Are your thoughts getting in the way of your feelings?

Are your thoughts getting in the way of your feelings?

Are your thoughts getting in the way of your feelings?As we know from the definition of femininity, our emotions are a crucial aspect of the feminine.

Connecting into our emotions, and what we’re feeling helps us to connect into our femininity.

The challenge that we have these days is that we spend so much time in our heads, rather than our hearts and our bodies.

We’re all about the ‘thinking’…and not so much about the feeling.

With our unending ‘to do’ lists, our brains are constantly in overdrive. There’s always something to think about, and when we’re done thinking about the first thing, there’s always something following up behind ready to take its place.

If we were just thinking, that would be one thing…but so often we cross the line from ‘thinking’ to ‘over analysing’…thinking through every possibility, every eventuality, all possible outcomes and questioning everything that we come across.

Look at our relationships – how much time do we spend, analysing, re-analysing and over-analysing what happens in our relationships?

What if he does this?

What if he doesn’t do that?

What did he mean by that?

Is he the right person for me?

We even tie ourselves in knots trying to figure out what everyone else is thinking too!

When we ask friends for advice, our first question is always “What do you think?”

So we’re living in an intellectual culture…does it really matter that we think so much?

Well it can do, when our thinking gets in the way of us connecting to how we feel.

So often when we have a problem or a challenge that comes up in our life, our first port of call is to jump into ‘logic mode’. Our attention goes immediately to our head, and we start trying to ‘figure out’ the solution.

We’re so in the habit of doing this that it doesn’t even occur to us to stop and pay attention to what we’re feeling.
The thing with this is that as women, what we’re FEELING often guides us in the right direction, but we’re so used to worrying about what we’re thinking that we don’t even hear what our feelings are saying.

…and when we do turn our attention to what we’re feeling, our brains still want a piece of the action.

The second we stop and check in with how we’re feeling, for most women our brains are there in a heartbeat:

“What am I feeling?”

“Why am I feeling that?”

“Am I feeling happy, or excited?”

More often than not we’re actually thinking about what we’re feeling, than actually allowing ourselves to just feel it.

We try so hard to describe and define something that is a tangible experience that we can end up limiting the feelings to what we can currently describe.

For example, if you only knew the word ‘happy’…but you were feeling exhilarated…in trying to describe and define the feeling you could actually limit the feeling itself.

So how do I know about this?

Well last year I took some time out and decided to spend the week in Glastonbury, one of my favourite places in England to visit.

During the week I did quite a bit of yoga, and meditation. One of the meditations I was doing was specifically about feeling into certain parts of my body…and being fascinated by whatever feelings I was experiencing.

One day, while doing this meditation I suddenly realised that I was trying to describe the feelings as I was experiencing them, and in doing so I was actually blocking myself from feeling them, and limiting them to what my brain could define at that moment in time.

I found myself sitting there thinking, “Is that a tingle, or a glow?…is it radiating, or circulating? Is it moving up or down?…” etc etc etc

All the time I was trying to describe the sensations I was feeling, I wasn’t allowing myself to just feel them.

So rather than describing them, I decided instead to just breathe deeply, relax and allow myself to feel them…and something wonderful happened.

The more I relaxed and just allowed the feelings, the more they grew, and changed and intensified.

The less I thought, the more I felt.

…and when I really wanted to express what I was experiencing, instead of writing about my experience and trying to put it into words, I chose to pick up a sketch pad and pastilles and draw and sketch what felt right.

Then later that same week I found myself having an incredible experience I was having a deep therapy massage, feeling so much going on in my body, and I suddenly realised that my mind was also joining in too!

I had a moment where both my thoughts and feelings were being allowed to flow…but in order to get to that point I first needed to allow and get in touch with the feeling in my body because my day to day life hadn’t previously allowed for that to be heard as often as it would have liked to!

So this week I encourage you to take a few moments where you can give your mind a break, and connect in to what you’re feeling, both emotionally and physically…and see what a difference it makes.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in them

What’s the difference between feeling your emotions and wallowing in them?

Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in themWe all have times when we experience ‘negative’ emotions.

The thing with emotions is that they all serve a purpose…they are there for a reason. All emotions…the good, the bad and the sometimes very ugly.

That’s the reason I put the word ‘negative’ in inverted commas…because we only perceive them as negative…they actually serve a positive purpose when we allow them to.

In our culture these days, when we experience ‘negative’ emotions we have a tendency to want to distract ourselves from experiencing them. We want to avoid, ignore or bury them…or simply pretend that they don’t exist.

We’ve a plethora of ways to distract ourselves from our emotions…eating, shopping, drinking, drugs, losing ourselves in TV or movies, or burying ourselves in work.

But as I’ve talked about in several articles, these emotions exist for a reason…in order for them to serve their purpose we need to experience them.

They are there to help us to process our experiences, to move through them, learn from them, grow from them…and if we don’t acknowledge and experience these emotions they tend to hang around.

They bubble under the surface and when we least expect it (and often when it is least convenient) they pop up and bite us in the butt.

So in order to release these emotions, we need to first experience them, we need to feel the emotions fully in order to let them go.

But a question I’ve heard many times when this subject comes up is “How do I tell the difference between feeling the emotions to process them and let them go, and wallowing in them?”

This is such a fantastic question…and one that is so valuable to know the answer to that I wanted to write today’s article to share this vital insight with you.

We’ve all wallowed at times.

Those times when we’ve experienced something that has brought up a ‘negative’ emotion…it could be sadness, pain, hurt, anger, shame, grief, rejection – any ‘negative’ emotion.

BUT we don’t want to move through it, we don’t want to release it we WANT to be in it.

We want to just be in the negative emotion, we don’t want to move, we just want to sit there.

Doing nothing, changing nothing, just being in it.

But why?

Why would we want to voluntarily stay in an emotion that doesn’t feel good?

The reason is that in the short term, we can actually seem to gain a lot by being in it….though we may not be consciously aware of it.

When we’re in a ‘bad’ space, there can be ‘benefits’ to it.

In an increasingly numb culture, this is a moment where we’re really feeling something, we feel connected to ourselves and to our emotions in a way that most of us don’t in our day-to-day lives.

We get sympathy from and connection to other people…when we’re not feeling great we often get friends, family or colleagues reaching out to us to give us support. They want to be there for you, comfort you, help you to feel better – often in a way that we don’t experience when we’re not in this kind of space.

This kind of attention makes us feel important, makes us feel special, makes us feel significant…in a way that we might not be used to feeling the rest of the time.

We might use feeling this way as an excuse for not doing things that we’d prefer to avoid…for having some downtime, taking a break, and allowing yourself to breathe a bit and have some time for you. In our hamster-wheel-like lives, we don’t allow ourselves to do this often enough…and so having a reason to do it can feel quite good.

…or we can use it as an excuse for doing the things that we don’t believe we ‘should’ do, but a part of us would really like to. We use feeling bad as a reason for maxing out our credit cards, finishing off an entire chocolate cake, or downing a bottle of wine.

So while we might not be consciously aware of the benefits of being in our ‘negative’ emotions…subconsciously we can bet getting a lot out of it, so we can begin to indulge in it, to subconsciously choose to stay in it, to wallow.

So what’s the problem with wallowing in our ‘negative’ emotions?

If we’re getting so many benefits from being in our ‘negative’ emotions, then what’s the problem?

Well the simple answer is that it’s a short-term gain, which costs us in the long term.

You see processing the emotions, feeling them fully in order to release them gives a short term pain (of feeling fully the emotions that are there) …but which enables us to get a huge long-term benefit…i.e. that we get to completely release these emotions, learn from them, grow from them and move on without taking the baggage of the past with us.

On the other hand, wallowing gives us a short-term gain (the benefits of us being in our negative emotion), but because we’re not feeling the emotions to release them, we’re indulging in them to get these benefits, we never actually get the REAL benefit of being able to let them go and move on to create a life free of this baggage. Instead we end up carrying it all with us all the time, which in the long-term is draining and very unfulfilling.

So how can you tell the difference between processing emotions and wallowing? The point at which you feel that you’re getting more from being in your ‘negative’ emotion than from processing and releasing it is the point at which you’re wallowing. When being in pain is subconsciously ‘worth it’ because of the benefits we get from being there.

The danger with wallowing is that so often that we’re unaware of the fact that we’re doing it. The choice is happening at a subconscious level…not a conscious one.

So how can we avoid the pitfall of wallowing in emotions?

The only way to avoid the pitfall of wallowing is to use awareness and choice.

Becoming aware of whether you are processing or indulging in your ‘negative’ emotions is the first step towards shifting it.

So simply asking yourself the question “Am I feeling this emotion to process and release it, or to indulge in it?” and answering it honestly puts you in a position of choice.

When you’re aware of where you’re at, you can then choose whether or not to stay there…asking yourself “Do I want the short term benefit, or the long term gain?” can be an important question when you want to make a powerful choice of what you want for yourself.

And do you want to know what’s really great about choosing to process your emotions and release them rather than wallow in them?

You actually still get the short-term benefits when you’re in it, feeling the emotions in order to then release them…but they’re not enough to keep you there, you know you want more for yourself…

…SO you also get the long-term benefit of being able to put down the baggage you’ve been carrying with you and move on to create a lighter and more fulfilling life as well!

So it’s win-win!

So the next time you find yourself feeling something you’d rather not be feeling, ask yourself the question, “Am I processing this, or am I wallowing in it?” and see which choice you’d really like to make.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

What chance my experience of heartbreak forever?

What changed my experience of heartbreak forever?

What chance my experience of heartbreak forever?So last week I gave you the first of my answers to the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?”

The second answer that came to me when I asked the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?” tends to apply more when you feel like the decision to end the relationship has been completely out of your hands.

When this happens, we feel like the victim. We feel out of control. We feel ‘wronged’. We feel like this is something that has been done ‘to’ us.

…and when we’re in this place of feeling like it has been done ‘to’ us, the lack of choice, the lack of control makes it even harder to process.

We’ve been forced into this situation of having to deal with these emotions without any choice, any say, and (often it feels like) no consideration.

What I have to say now might be difficult to hear if you’re currently going through heartbreak.

I know, because I’ve been there, and it was hard for me to consider at first too.

But really hearing this, really understanding it can make a huge difference to your experience…and to your future experiences too.

The path out of this feeling of being out of control, of feeling like the victim, the wronged party, is to understand and accept that it is your own choices that have brought you to this moment in time.

(Take a couple of moments to shout and swear at the screen in front of you if you’d like…that can sometimes help too! 🙂 )

This side of heartbreak can be hard to face…

I can almost hear your thoughts “What do you mean?! They’re the one who did this! It’s their fault! I did nothing wrong!” …and I know how this feels, because I’ve felt it myself.

But the reality is that the choices that you have made have led you to the point you are at now. What you’ve done and haven’t done, who you chose to date or not date, what you allowed from other people and what you didn’t allow, how you showed up and how you didn’t show up.

Now, let me be perfectly clear about this…this is not about blame.

This is not about blaming yourself for what has happened (or the other person for that matter)…it’s about understanding that you can take responsibility for your part in how the situation played out.

Whether it’s in that you prioritised your work over your relationship, or that you didn’t always bring the best ‘you’ you could to the relationship, or simply that you chose to be with someone who wasn’t willing or able to meet your needs, or whose wants and needs you weren’t willing or able to meet in return.

This is not about looking back with regret or shame…you’re at this point now because there’s something you need to learn for yourself…and without this experience the lesson wouldn’t be as powerful and wouldn’t make a difference to how you choose to live your life going forward.

Simply understanding this, simply getting to the point where you can see it, and take responsibility for your part in where you’re currently at is the point at which you can shift from feeling like a victim, to feeling empowered.

If your choices have helped create the situation you’re in right now, your choices can help to create something different in the future….they can help to create what you really want for yourself.

I’m not going to lie. This was hard for me to understand at first…and a part of me didn’t want to understand it.

It was easier to blame someone else for how I was feeling.

I didn’t want to accept that I could have done anything that could have changed the situation I was in and the way I was feeling.

I wanted to make him the ‘bad guy’ because it made me feel momentarily better about the fact I wasn’t with him anymore and I had someone to blame for the pain I was feeling.

But when I really took a moment to honestly look at it, I realised that I had played my part in it too.

I’d played my part in each one of my heartrbeaks

Every heartbreak was different, and my part in it had been different too.

There were some in which I’d simply chosen a person that I was fundamentally incompatible with. They didn’t have the capacity to be the man that I wanted to be with long-term.

There were others where I simply wasn’t giving him what he deserved, because I’d not been ‘getting it’ from them first.

There were others where I’d held back for fear of getting hurt, and in doing so I never gave the relationship a chance to see what it could really be.

There were others where I ignored warning signs of dishonesty and just ‘hoped’ that it would get better.

The list goes on. I had to accept that I had a part in the every one of those relationships coming to an end (even if that part was just in starting the relationship in the first place!)

…and here is the part where the power lies.

The gift in heartbreak…

Because if you can see how your choices have helped create the situation you are currently in, you can choose (if you want to) to make different choices in the future.

The awareness that this brings is the key to finding the gift that I mentioned in my earlier article…because the gift is the learning. The gift is being able to understand yourself better, understand what you want in the future, and grow in a way that will enable you to have it.

To make new choices that will empower you and that will create a different outcome, and that will get you close to the life and relationship that you desire and deserve.

…and as a last note, I’ll say this:

This is a very powerful part of the experience of heartbreak. It is also something that needs to happen at the right time. This is part of the ‘acceptance’ stage of the 5 stages of grief that I mentioned in my last article.

Trying to go through this process when you’re still deep in anger, or denial or bargaining, or depression is likely to make you feel worse, not better…because it will be used as a tool to enhance your current stage. You’ll feel more angry (normally at yourself!) if you try and do this from the anger stage…or feel more depressed about the situation if you do it during the depression stage.

It’s a very important process to go through, but you will only get the real benefit of it if it’s done at the right time.

During my last heartbreak I remember ranting to a friend and shouting, “I know this is all happening for a reason, and I know that there will be a gift in it eventually, but right now it just sucks…and I just want to be with the fact that it sucks, because that’s all I have the capacity for right now!!!”

So be gentle with yourself…allow yourself to experience all the stages of grief and all of the emotions that come up fully and in your own time.

…and then when you’re ready (and not a moment sooner!) take yourself through this process to find the gift for you.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x


Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

HeartbreakLast week I shared an article to answer the question “Does a broken heart ever heal or are we just left with the scars”, and I was very touched by the reaction the piece received.

A lot of people shared how the article had come at the perfect time for them, because they were dealing with heartbreak themselves, and it gave them another perspective to look at it from.

When I started hearing this, it took me back to some of my own personal experiences of heartbreak.

If a relationship has ended, at some level it wasn’t working. If you’re truly honest with yourself, I’m sure you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re unhappy and unfulfilled or in a relationship where the other person is unhappy or unfulfilled, for whatever reason, because we know deep in our hearts that neither of those scenarios make for a good relationship in the long term. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting….and hurting deeply.

I know. I’ve experienced it first-hand many times.

…and I can vividly recall the times where I’ve felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world.

My experience with heartbreak…

Those moments in time where it felt like an effort just to keep breathing in and out.

The pain, the sadness, the numbness, the confusion, the fear…the complete and total overwhelm of experiencing so many emotions and thoughts at the same time, and not being able to make sense of any of them.

Mind and heart reeling, with no way out, only through.

When I brought these moments of my life to mind, I started to think about heartbreak, and why it hurts so much. As soon as I asked this question, two answers came to me.

The first you’ll no doubt have heard before. The second may be a bit of a surprise…

So why does heartbreak hurt so much?

So the first answer that came to me is that we’re experiencing a loss, which brings with it a sense of grief.

Whether a relationship has come to an end because we’ve chosen to end it, because someone else has chosen to end it, or because it’s been mutually decided that it’s for the best, we are still losing something.

We may not be grieving for the relationship as it was, but instead for the relationship that we thought it was going to be, the relationship it had the potential to be, or the relationship we wanted it to be.

It might seem strange to be grieving for something that you’ve never actually had…but losing the POSSIBILITY of something, is still a loss, and we still experience a sense of grief when the possibility appears to be no more.

We miss the other person…or maybe we don’t, maybe we miss who they used to be, who we thought they were, or who we thought they would become.

Whatever it is that we’re losing, whether it’s was something we had, something we thought we had, or something we thought we were going to have, it’s important to honour the fact that we will experience a sense of grief when the loss becomes a reality.

Most people have heard of the 5 stages of grief (or the Kübler-Ross model) where you go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…but what most people don’t know is that the best way through all the stages, is to fully experience each stage, feel complete with it and then transition through to the next stage…in the timeframe that is right for you.

Do you allow yourself to ‘go through’ heartbreak?

When it comes to heartbreak though, a lot of people don’t allow themselves to go through this grieving process fully…they expect to just ‘feel better’ at some point, get told to snap out of it by someone trying to ‘help’, or distract themselves from really experiencing the feeling because it’s uncomfortable (whether that’s through alcohol, TV, another relationship or any other way to avoid the feelings)…and therefore get ‘stuck’ in one stage.

As I’ve said before, when you’re in this kind of emotional experience, the best way out of it really is through it…allowing yourself to fully feel each aspect of what you’re experiencing in order that you can then release it.

So if you’re in it right now, start to notice where you might be wanting to avoid or distract yourself from how you’re really feeling…because that in itself can be keeping you ‘in it’ and preventing you from moving through it to the other side.

The second answer that came to me when I asked the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?” hit me hard.

Because it was probably one of the hardest things for me to understand and begin to accept about my own experiences with heartbreak…and it was also the single, most powerful realisation that transformed my experience with heartbreak forever.

So join me again next week where I will be sharing the insight that changed how I experience heartbreak…and which helped me reach the point where, as I shared last week, I began to eventually be able to see each one as a gift.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Aspects of the feminine…diving deeper into emotional connection…

Aspects of the feminine...diving deeper into emotional connection... - Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stSo having begun to deep dive into the aspects of the feminine last week with the F of F.E.M.I.N.I.N.E. looking at flow and how to can introduce the two aspects of flow into our lives…this week we get to look at one of my favourite aspects.

Today we’re looking deeper at the first E of the FEMININE acronym, Emotional Connection.


The feminine connection to emotion

Unlike the masculine, whose default position is the mind and logic, the feminine’s default position is that of the heart and emotion.

That’s not to say that either side doesn’t have an appreciation for or an ability to tap into the other’s ‘home base’, it’s just that when all things are equal and we’re being true to our core nature, this is the place that we go to first.

By better understanding the concept of emotional connection and what it means to the feminine, we can begin to explore and understand what it will mean for us personally to embody and express it.  As we know our femininity is unique to us…and so is our expression of emotional connection.

Connecting with your feminine through emotion

When we can begin to really understand and embody emotional connection, we naturally feel more feminine as a result, so today’s video is all about helping you to understand emotional connection better, and giving some suggestions for how you can start to experience more of it.

…and as with the aspect of Flow though, there are actually to elements to the feminine aspect of emotional connection, one of which you may not have considered much up to this point….

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So how can you begin to feel more emotional connection in your life?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out how to feel more emotional connection in your life

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Does a broken heart ever mend, or do we just end up living with the scars of heartbreak?

Does a broken heart ever mend or do we just get left with the scars of heartbreak?Heartbreak.

Unfortunately most of us will have experienced this at some point in our lives.

That agonising pain that comes with the end of a relationship, when it feels like you’re the only person in the whole world feeling like your heart has been torn in two.

The desire to eat every comfort food consumable to try and feel the empty hole in your heart.

Wanting to forget.

Wanting to remember.

Wanting to talk.

Wanting to not have to talk.

Feeling like your whole world is crumbling around you.

Not wanting to be alone and yet not knowing how to be around others.

Wondering if the pain will ever subside.

Thinking that you will never be the same again.

Feeling like you’ll never want to put yourself out there again, because you don’t feel like you could take going through this again.

That awful time when just remembering to keep breathing in and out feels like an effort.

I know, from personal experience, the pain of heartbreak

Heartbreak and I are old friends…we’ve spent many a day and sleepless night together.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Every time I’m in it I always say the same thing “I just wish it was 6 months from now”.


Because I know I’ll get through it, I always do. But I also know that in order to get through it I need to be in it. I need to feel it. I need to feel it all.

…and that isn’t easy, in fact it’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to deal with.

So when someone reaches out asking for help with heartbreak, my heart goes out to them. Because I know where they are. I’ve been there, many times.

This week I saw a question “Does a broken heart ever mend, or do we just end up living with the scars?”…and I felt moved to respond to it in a very personal way.

…and today I want to share that response with you, because I know from the messages and comments I receive that it might be relevant to you too.

So, my personal story of heartbreak…

My sister has been what most people would consider very “lucky in love”. Her first long-term boyfriend turned out to be the man who she fell in love with, married and now very happily has a little boy with.

Her husband is wonderful and I’m so pleased that they found each other and have created their lovely life together. As a result, she’s been ‘lucky’ enough to never have really experienced ‘heartbreak’ as you and I might know it.

On the other hand as you may know from my previous articles, I have experienced many heartbreaks during my lifetime.

There is a part of me that at times in my life has been slightly envious of my sister’s experience. Because she never experienced heartbreak, she in some ways kept the innocence and naivety that comes with first love. She never had that part of her life ‘tainted’ in any way by a negative experience. Being that she’s my sister, I am grateful that she’s never been through this.

However, as much as I wouldn’t wish the heartbreaks that I’ve been through on anyone, much less my sister, I know that because of the experiences I’ve had my life, I am a changed person…and every one of those changes in me has been for the better (in the long term).

My life has been richer for walking the path I have, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have grown in ways I know I wouldn’t have without those experiences. Each one has tested my emotional resilience in ways I couldn’t have imagined…and yet each one has brought with it such a gift of growth and personal learning too. It has made me the woman I am today. I have a depth of compassion, of self-knowing, of emotional experience, of love as a result of it.

I appreciate love in a way I wouldn’t have done, had I not lost it at times along the way.

My heart has been changed for those experiences.

Some might say that it’s been scarred by them…but as with scar tissue in the body…those parts of my heart are actually stronger for it.

Remembering those ‘scars’, the heartbreaks, the experiences I’ve gone through, the pain I’ve felt, helps me to continue to choose every day the woman I want to be. It’s helped me learn what I want for my life, what I will and won’t accept (both for me and by me), and it helps me to be the best woman I can be for myself and the man in my life every day.

As a result of these moments in my life I don’t take love or life for granted, which sometimes people who haven’t experienced them can.

My experience is that in time (with a compassionate approach of truly processing the emotion and the experience), the pain subsides, the wounds heal, the lessons are learned and we move on into our next chapter forever changed.

That change can be our greatest gift if we allow it to be.

Heartbreak has been a real gift to me

…and this is why I describe heartbreak and I as old friends, because that’s what we are. Though our relationship has never been easy, it’s brought me more than I could have ever imagined.

Without the heartbreaks in my life, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today, doing the work I do, helping people around the world to create deep, mutually fulfilling relationships.

But most importantly I don’t believe I would have had the experience that I personally needed to be able to create the level of connection, communication and compassion that I have in my two most important current relationships – the one with myself, and the one with my partner.

I wouldn’t change any of the heartbreaks I’ve experienced in my life for anything.

Although I experienced terrible pain through every single one of them…I am truly grateful from the bottom of my heart for each one of them and the gifts that I eventually allowed them to bring me.

In Japan there is a practice called “Kintsukuroi” which means “to repair with gold”. It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver laquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

So I invite you to repair any ‘cracks’ you may feel as a result of your heartbreak with gold, or silver, or another gift that is valuable to you, and begin to see the beauty in them too.

Stay fabulous,

Claire x

Do you only allow yourself to feel good when you’ve ‘done good’?

do good to feel good checklistI don’t know about you, but I like feeling good.

In fact I LOVE feeling good.

But why is it that ‘feeling good’ is something that we feel we need to earn?

In order to give ourselves the time and space to feel good, we first feel that we need to do something, achieve something or accomplish something.

We allow ourselves to relax after a hard day’s work.

We say we’ve earned a break, a holiday or even something as simple as a good cup of tea (!) when we’ve been busy.

We feel the need to cross so many items off our to-do list before we feel entitled to some ‘me time’.

So many of us jump out of bed at the start of the day and so begins the incessant ‘doing’, the completing of tasks that will mean that come evening time we’ve done enough to warrant sitting down and relaxing.

Now all of this is well and good…if it actually works for us…but what so many women don’t realise is that for the majority of us, it doesn’t.

What do we need in order to feel good?

Because when we start to understand the motivations, needs and desires of the masculine and feminine, we realise that we’re fundamentally and dramatically different when it comes to the areas of ‘feeling good’ and ‘doing good’.

  • The masculine needs to ‘do good’ first in order to feel good.
  • The feminine needs to feel good first in order to ‘do good’.

As with most key aspects of the masculine and feminine, we are once again equal and opposite. Neither way is better, or worse, right or wrong, it’s just what works for us individually.

The masculine, being goal-orientated, focused and driven to accomplish, needs to feel useful. He needs to feel that he has done his work and achieved some results in order to be able to relax and enjoy feeling good. A masculine man who has not accomplished anything for a period of time will start to feel restless, dissatisfied and less in touch with his masculinity.

The doing can take many forms, going out to work, projects around the house, working on the car, exercise, even helping his partner ‘fix’ her problems (which can be the source of many misunderstandings and relationship challenges!) As long as he can put a check in the box, and feel he’s done a good job, he’ll then be able to relax, unwind and enjoy feeling good, knowing he’s accomplished something.

For the feminine, it’s ‘feel good’ first…

On the flip side however, it’s a different story. The Feminine woman isn’t driven by goals, results or achievements. She’s inspired by emotionally connecting, building relationships, nurturing, communicating and being in flow. As a lot of these aspects require her to give something of herself, in order to bring the best of herself (and ‘do good’) she first needs to fill her own cup, nurture herself and give to herself first in order that she can give the best of herself to others, and create the kind of effect that she wants to for the people around her. Simply, she needs to first feel good, in order to really bring the best of herself when she is ‘doing’.

The thing is that so many feminine women have spent so much time in ‘masculine mode’, that we’ve got into the habit of doing it the masculine way, without ever stopping and questioning whether it actually works for us.

We pay our dues, we do our work, we check off our to do lists, and then collapse in a heap, exhausted – our downtime becomes more about recovery than relaxation.

But if you were to try a different approach you might be surprised with the results.

Have you tried ‘feel good’ first…’do good’ second?

Take today for example. Wednesdays are a busy day for me. Every Wednesday I need to edit and produce two different videos, get them uploaded, put out two blogs, send out several different versions of my newsletter, keep up with my correspondence, take any client calls that are scheduled in and tick off any other urgent items on my to do list that need doing.

Today was a particularly busy day and when I woke up I was feeling the pressure to get started right away. I knew there was a lot to do and I wanted to start to feel like I was making a dent in the long list of tasks I had.

It was very tempting to skip my morning routine, the one that fills me up and nourishes me for the day ahead, and just get started.

But I didn’t.

I took the time to do my goddess yoga practice.

I did my meditation.

I made myself some breakfast…and just before I was about to jump into the shower my partner made a suggestion.

“Why don’t you have a bath?”

Now for me, baths are indulgent time to relax. They are a way to unwind, forget the world and just focus on myself. I normally read in the bath, and so they are not a short affair.

But in spite of the fact that the little voice in my head was saying ‘No! You need to get to work!” something told me that a bath was the perfect way to begin my day.

…so I grabbed my book and disappeared into the bathroom.

A couple of hours later, relaxed, and feeling great I began to ease myself into my day.

I still had a lot to do, but the ease with which I was able to do it was palpable.

Not only was it easier…I was more effective.

I had a potentially difficult customer service challenge come up due to a technical glitch…but I was in a better space to be able to effectively deal with it. In a way that made me feel good (and that I was looking after my customers in the best way possible) and resulted in a satisfied customer. I received a lovely email in reply thanking me for responding in such an upstanding way and saying how refreshing it was to see such good customer service online. In their words “Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone makes an effort that is real to handle them”. I was able to better serve her needs because I was in a good space myself.

I then had a consultation with a potential new client, and because I felt so grounded, relaxed and filled up I was able to serve her even better than I would have been able to had I not taken the time to look after myself first.

I completed all of the ‘tasks’ that needed doing, but rather than feeling stressed and pressured, I felt relaxed and I enjoyed it more!

…and I am ending the day typing this article to you from a deck chair on the balcony, enjoying the beautiful blue sky, the warm breeze and the setting sun.

If the masculine approach to doing good and feeling good works for you, then stick with it – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! 🙂

But if you find yourself more often than not drained at the end of the day, feeling tired and stressed with your work and like you spend more time recovering than relaxing, then maybe give this alternative approach a try.

I know as a feminine woman it works best for me, my customers and the people around me – I’m more relaxed, feel more filled up and can therefore can give the best of myself to them.

If you’re tank’s running low to start with, it won’t be long before you’re running on empty. Try filling up first…you might be surprised at the difference it makes.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Are you making yourself miserable, trying to do what ‘should’ make you happy?

What should make you happyThis is not the article that I was going to share today, but sometimes I get a strong feeling to go in a different direction. Today is one of those days.

This morning I was asked by a friend, to weigh in and give some advice in a group where I’m one of the resident expert coaches on dating and relationships.

In the interests of confidentiality I won’t share the name of the group or the person in question, but as I found myself writing to her, I realised I could have been writing to anyone, in any relationship situation.

Her story is that of a very brave woman. She was living the life that she thought that she should live. She was married, and wanted a family. But she wasn’t happy…so she courageously ended her relationship with her husband, to begin a relationship with another woman who she fell deeply in love with. But now she’s battling with fears and questions, that she doesn’t identify with the right labels, that she is feeling an immense pressure to make a decision now that will affect the rest of her life, that she’s choosing a harder path for herself, that it’s not the ‘right path’.

What should make you happy?

While not everyone has experienced this situation, the details are just that…details. I know a lot of people who are trying to create for themselves what their life should look like, feel like, what should make them happy…and are making themselves miserable in the process.

In life, there is often a disconnect between what you believed your life would look like (and would make you happy), what you think your life should look like (and should make you happy), and what your life does look like (and what makes you happy).

When we grow up with such vivid images in our minds, and thrown at us from TV, magazines, films, friends, parents etc we can often get very attached to these ideas as being ‘the right way’…and we dismiss any alternatives completely.

In reality, what we expect our lives to be, and what they turn out to be are very different…and with good reason…we take on other people’s ideas of love, life and happiness and then try and fit ourselves to them because that’s the way life is…but we often end up unhappy because it’s not OUR way, the way that’s right for us.

Coming from a girl who spent 20 years living a life she thought she *should* live and being unhappy in the process…believe me, I know.

What should make you happy vs what does make you happy

Rarely do we actually stop and ask ourselves,’what feels good to me?’, ‘what do I want?’, ‘what makes me happy?’…we just carry on, carrying on and expect it to all work out one day.

It takes real courage to wake up from the slumber of ‘just carrying on’, because that’s what everyone else does. It’s not easy to admit that something’s not right, and that you’re not happy…but choosing not to just keep doing the same thing and instead to create a life for yourself that feels right, that actually does make you happy and works for you is brave and admirable.

The honest answer is that none of us knows what the future holds. Life can change in a heartbeat and throw us an unexpected curve ball. Trying to make a decision today that will be ‘right’ for the rest of eternity, and committing to that rigidly is where a sense of pressure comes from. We sometimes feel like we’re running out of time to make a decision that will then be there forever. No wonder we end up feeling stressed! 🙂

We can only ever do the best we can with the information we have at the present time. The reality is that the decision that is right for you today, may not be right tomorrow…and that’s OK. Allow yourself to be in flow, being flexible and moving with the flow of life and how you’re changing and growing as a person, rather than putting yourself in a box today that you might grow out of tomorrow. Instead try living without the box!

What should a committed relationship look like?

One of the challenges with committed relationships is that people make a commitment once that’s there forever…and in doing so, they can feel trapped, or lacking in freedom…but also they can get complacent and take their partner for granted. “We’re going to always be together”…so they stop making the effort. I know he’ll be there no matter what tomorrow, so if I don’t make the effort today does it really matter?

The approach I always encourage people to take is to create a commitment that they want to continue to choose each other every day. There’s not an assumption that they definitely will or definitely won’t be there tomorrow…they want to continue to choose each other, but it’s a choice made every day. Knowing this, each person needs to keep putting the effort into the relationship each day, and they each need to continue to put effort into being the best version of themselves they can be. Relationships take ongoing effort and commitment to each other in order to continue to flourish and grow.

Finally…I invite you to lose the labels in your life. Does it really matter if you describe yourself as heterosexual? Lesbian? Bi-sexual? Man? Woman? Mother? Career-woman? Domestic Goddess?

…instead look at the label “ME” what am I? Who am I? What makes ME happy? What do I want? Labels can be so restrictive, so by focusing on the label “ME” you can make it mean whatever it means to YOU…which is all that matters. Whether you’re into men, women, or aliens with pink polka dots, doesn’t really matter…what matters is what matters to YOU.

I know a woman who left a marriage to be with another woman…to her it wasn’t about being gay, she just met someone she loved deeply and couldn’t live without…the fact that it was a woman was irrelevant to what they shared together. They were two souls who met, fell in love and created a life together.

I also have a friend who on coming out to her parents, they were devastated. To them, happiness could only be found with a husband, wife, 2.4 children and a white picket fence, therefore to them, she was committing herself to a life of misery. The thing is that to some people a husband, wife, 2.4 children and a white picket fence IS a life of misery. What makes you happy, and others happy can be totally different…so embrace what feels good for YOU.

So all that said, my advice to anyone in a situation like this would be to consider a few different questions:
– What do you think your life “should” look like? …and why? Where do these ideas come from? Are they really yours? If not, it’s OK, you took them on for a reason, but if they aren’t serving you, then it’s also OK to let them go.
– What actually makes you happy? Look back over the past year…and whether it fits the idea of what life should look like or not, look for the times, experiences, and moments in which you were happy. Then start to build up a picture of what your happy life could look like…remembering that life is organic, it’s always growing and changing, and it’s OK for you to grow and change with it.
– What does the label “ME” look like? Have fun playing with it, create the lifestyle and choices that are truly right for you.

…and finally, what choice will make you happy today? Life is short. Things change without warning. Live for today’s happiness, create that for yourself. You could plan out the next 30 years of your life, and something could happen that could completely change everything. So what will make you happy today?

…and then give yourself permission to enjoy it, now, while it’s happening, in this moment. Because this moment is all we’re guaranteed in life…so make the most of it, and allow yourself to feel happiness and joy today.

Stay Fabulous!

Claire x

18 ways to feel more feminine…

18 ways to feel more feminineFinding ways to feel more feminine

Last week I began to share 18 ways to feel more feminine, ideas to inspire you to create your own unique femininity formula.


So as promised, this week I’m sharing you the final nine to help you create the recipe that will help you feel in feminine flow.

Create your feminine recipe…

Nourish yourself – Finding ways to nourish yourself, whether that be body, mind or spirit is a great way to fill your feminine cup as it all contributes to the energy you have which is a key part of the feminine. So whether it’s drinking plenty of water to make sure you’re hydrated and feeling great, or eating food that you know will feed the cells in your body and have them bursting with energy or even just making sure that you get enough sleep, making sure that your body is well looked after will make you feel fabulous.

Take time out for you – These days us women are so busy, with our to do lists, the hats we’re juggling and the plethora of people we’re trying to please that the one thing we often forget to do is to take time for ourselves. I know a lot of women who take time every single day for themselves, whether that’s taking time to relax, read a good book, meditate, go for a walk or just to let yourself ‘be’ for a bit without worrying about ‘doing’ for a while.

Find the things that just bring out your feminine nature – There are some things that for some reason or another just make us instantly feel more feminine. For some of us it’s wearing beautiful stiletto heels, for others it’s going bare foot and feeling grounded. It could be wearing a beautiful floaty goddess-inspired dress, or it could be having some time where you’re not restricted by clothes and just get to enjoy being in your natural state. Whatever it is, see if there are some things that just make you feel feminine, for no other reason than they do.

Get Creative – As creativity is all about expressing yourself, your passions and your emotions, getting creative is a fantastic way to reconnect with your feminine. Whether it’s through writing a journal, painting, drawing, it doesn’t matter…it’s all about how you want to creatively express yourself!

Spend time with other feminine women – For a feminine woman, one of the fastest ways to reconnect with your feminine can be spending time with other feminine women. Feeling that sense of sisterhood and support, from other beautifully feminine women can connect you to your feminine in a way that nothing else can. Being able to share all of yourself, to be vulnerable and speak your truth in a safe space with women who listen with no judgment or agenda, but who only want to support you is an experience that every woman should have. I am lucky enough to have an amazing collection of women who live in countries all around the world who are there for me and love and support me any time I want or need it.

Spend time around a masculine man – One of the reasons that we have not been as well connected with our feminine is that us women have spent a lot of time over the last few years living in our masculine. Whether to help us achieve success at work, or to protect ourselves from getting hurt in intimate relationships, it’s been our go-to place. So one way to help connect you’re your feminine is to spend time around someone who is a very masculine man. Your inner feminine woman will instantly recognise that you can relax and step out of that role because he’s got it covered.

Find things that you enjoy – Being playful and having fun are fundamental parts of the feminine, so one option for your unique feminine formula is to find something that you really enjoy, something that makes you laugh, something that lights you up, something that brings a smile to your face. Because when you feel that way, it will radiate out of you without you even realising it.

Follow your intuition – We all have a little voice, a gut instinct that gives us a feeling as to which path we’re meant to follow. Learning to follow that voice and see where it leads us (which in my experience has always been to amazing places!) can instantly make you feel more feminine. It’s not called female intuition for nothing!

Connect to your passion – One of the key female traits is energy…and a lot of our energy comes from our passions. So finding a way to connect with your passion can quickly help you connect to your feminine. Whether that passion is sexual, related to your purpose in life or reason for being, or something that you just feel passionately about, find your passion and you may find yourself feeling more feminine.

Get inspired – Inspiration is another key aspect of the feminine, so feeling inspired often can help you to feel more feminine too. The beauty with inspiration is that you don’t have to be inspiring others, you can be feeling inspired by someone else! So find someone or something that inspires you, and you may find your feminine gets inspired in the process.

You and your feminine…

Remember, your femininity is exactly that…YOUR femininity.

It’s all about what works for you.

So take the ideas here and play with them.

Try them, tweak them, change them completely

…and find what lights up your feminine flame.

Stay Fabulous!

Claire x

Sun Star Goddess

How I can I feel more feminine?

How can I feel more feminine?So how can YOU feel more feminine?

So last week I shared with you the first three things to remember when it comes to femininity…who you’re doing it for, remembering to keep a balance between the feminine and the masculine, and realizing that there’s not a one-size-fits-all answer.

As I mentioned last week, femininity is something that comes from the inside out, you become more feminine by feeling more feminine. Obviously what feels more feminine is different for all of us.

If you want to be more feminine, you want to feel more feminine.

So this is where you get to have some fun, because you get to create your very own unique femininity formula…this is the combination of experiences that make you feel most feminine…and therefore bring your femininity shining out.

Now, because the combination is different for each individual woman, I can’t tell you what yours will be (that’s something that you get to enjoy discovering for yourself!) but what I can do to help you to begin is to provide a little ‘feminine buffet’ for you to choose some ideas from.

Have some fun finding your way to feel more feminine

So here is a selection of some of the things that myself, my friends, my clients and contacts around the world have in their own unique femininity formulas to inspire you. 18 ways for you to instantly feel more feminine….

Get back to Nature – Nature is a well-known way to reconnect with your feminine, but the key is to find the area of nature that resonates most with you. It might be walking along a beach, spending time in the mountains, listening to a river, wandering through a woodland area or forest, standing out in the rain, climbing trees, hiking along a country trail, the choice is yours…

Discover your animal instincts – For a lot of women, spending time with animals really brings out their feminine, whether its pet dogs, cats, hamsters or like me, going and feeding the horses down the road from where I live!

Nurture yourself – Looking after yourself and your own needs is a great way to feel more feminine, and the great news is that there are a whole range of ways you can do this! You could run a bubble bath with candles, music and a glass of wine, treat yourself to a manicure and pedicure, give yourself a facial, book an indulgent massage or simply allow yourself some R&R time, to name just a few.

Get sense-itive – Getting connected to your senses is a great way to get connected to your feminine too. With 5 senses to ignite with this is a great one to play with and get creative…and it doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just noticing the feel of the water running down your skin when you’re in the shower can be enough to make you present to your senses. One of the best ways I’ve found to engage all of your senses is cooking your favourite meal and paying particularly close attention to the way that the food looks, they way that it smells, the sounds you hear when you eat it, the feeling of the textures on your tongue and the tastes you experience. You could wear something that feels smooth or soft against your skin, eat something that will taste delicious, wear a favourite perfume, appreciate a piece of art with vibrant colours or listen to a favorite piece of music. Whatever it is that you choose to do, pay close attention to the experience of your senses, allow yourself to notice things you’d not noticed before.

Be, don’t do – Doing is a very masculine trait, whereas the feminine is more about just being. So try throwing out the to-do list every now and again, going with the flow and just allowing yourself to be. You might be surprised at how much more feminine you feel.

Let go of the need to control – With the need to control comes tension, and tension is one of the fastest ways to jump out of the feminine and straight into the masculine. So when we learn to let go of control, we often connect more to our feminine core in the process. The great thing is that control is nothing more than an illusion, as the only thing we really have the ability to control is ourselves, so let the control go, and let your feminine flow.

Get into your body – A lot of women find that something that gets them back into their body also helps get them back into their feminine. These days us women spend a lot of time in our heads, using logic, analyzing, thinking and worrying, and none of these are conducive to feeling more feminine. So something that helps us get out of our heads and into our bodies can definitely help us to connect to our feminine nature. Movement is a great way of doing this, whether through something like yoga or taking a dance class, but it can be as simple as just paying attention to a part of your body you’re not normally aware of. Taking a couple of moments to lightly move your hands over your hips, your stomach or your legs brings your attention out of your head and into your body….and often back into your feminine too.

Get into your heart – As I mentioned above, we women spend far too much time these days in our logical, intellectual, analysis-based minds, worrying, stressing and feeling overwhelmed. So as one of the key aspects of the feminine is being emotionally connected, finding a way out of your hear and into your heart can definitely help you to feel more feminine. Simply taking a moment to stop and appreciate the things that you feel grateful for, or to think about someone you love unconditionally can be your express-way back to your heart and, in turn, back to your feminine.

The good news is that there are many of these ideas to share with you, the bad news is that I could only fit nine into this week’s article!

So come back next week to hear the other nine suggestions for you to try in your unique femininity formula….

Stay Fabulous!

Claire x