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How to avoid the annual break-up season

Would you like to know how to avoid the annual break-up season?

How to avoid the annual break-up seasonThe festive season can be wonderful.

…it can also be a really challenging time of year.

Family commitments, present-buying, Christmas parties, money-worries, end of year deadlines…

It’s a recipe for a stress-cocktail.

It’s no surprise that according to Facebook, December is the month of the year with the highest number of breakups.

The problem with stress is that we have a tendency to take it out on the people who are closest to us. They are the people who see every side of us…the good, the bad and the very ugly.

We don’t put on pretenses for those who are closest to us…and we don’t tend to pull our punches.

You see, when we’re under stress our bodies jump into fight or flight mode.

Why is this the annual break-up season?

We learned our stress responses many years ago when ‘stress’ was caused by coming face-to-face with a saber-toothed tiger or a woolly mammoth. It was a matter of survival. Us or them.

Unfortunately our stress responses have not evolved with our lives…so we get the same rush of adrenaline and hormones when dealing with an urgent deadline as we did when being considered as a Paleolithic beast’s lunch.

So when we feel stress we see the world as a threat…including our partner.

When we see someone or something as a threat, all compassion and understanding tends to fly out of the nearest window. We have two go-to responses; protect & defend ourselves, and attack.

…and when one person gets defensive or confrontational, the other person often isn’t far behind.

So how can we avoid the stress-loop that often leads to a break-up?

Well the biggest problem when we enter this stress-pattern is that we forget that we are on the same side.

We’re on the same team.

They aren’t your adversary, they’re your team-mate.

Think about a football team. How successful do you think a team would be if they spent all their time tackling each other rather than focusing on the opposition, or the goal?

Not very.

You see, our response to stress often has us drawing battle lines against the person with whom you could instead be creating a battle strategy WITH.

So if you notice yourself dropping into ‘confrontation mode’ with your partner, here are a few simple steps to help you get back in each other’s corner again.

  1. Stop – So many of our troubles at this time of year start because rather than responding to what’s happening we react. We fire right back at the moment we feel upset or triggered without taking a moment to stop and consider how we want to respond, or the consequences of our reaction. Take a pause…it could make all the difference.
  2. Breathe – Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to let go of some of the tension in your body. When we go into fight of flight mode our muscles tense in order to be ready to swing a right-hook, or run for the hills. Taking a deep breath and shaking out your body can release some of this tension and help you to relax.
  3. Ask yourself a question – When we feel this way, it tends to be because we’ve attributed a meaning to our partner’s behavior (what they’ve said / not said / done / not done) that might not be in-line with the intention behind it. So ask yourself “What else could this mean?”, could there be another reason than the one you’ve got in your mind?
  4. Apologise – At this point you may be a little confused. Apologise? But they’re the one who’s upset me! While that may be true…step back a little bit. Is there something that you’ve said or done (or not said or done) that might have caused a reaction in them? Might they have misinterpreted your actions or words? If you can see how they might be upset, apologise for your part in what’s happened, without reservation, and without bringing how you’re feeling into it (for now).
  5. Ask for their help – It may be that they simply don’t know what you want or need, and how to give it to you…so the easiest way for them to be able to do this is for you to tell them. But barking instructions at them is probably not going to help them feel you’re on the same side. Instead ask for their help…ask for what you want and need, show them how to help and support you.
  6. Remind them that you’re on the same team – Remind them that you’re on their team…and that you know that they’re on your team too. Just verbalising this can make such a difference to how you both perceive what’s going on. It might be a misunderstanding, it might be a difference of opinion, but if you’re on the same side, you can figure it out together.

When you’re on the same side, dealing with the stress of the season seems so much more manageable…and you know you’re not dealing with it alone. Navigating your way through this can both pull you together, or tear you apart…choosing to be on the same team can make it more likely to be the former.

…and what if you do break-up?

…and if you do break up this time of year, there are a few things to bear in mind.

If the choice to separate wasn’t yours, then the other person has done you the favour of walking away from you. You want to be with someone who chooses you, who sees you, who values you…who wants to be with you. If this person has made another choice, you deserve more.

But knowing that doesn’t make the process of dealing with it any easier…so you might want to check out a couple of these articles to help you through the process:

…and the new year is a good time to move start afresh, to go through the process of letting go of the past and to begin to attract and create the relationship that you desire and deserve.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Communication Secrets: Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

This Week’s Thursday Thought: Communication Secrets – Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

This week’s Thursday Thought:

Communication Secrets – Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

Communication Secrets: Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

What chance my experience of heartbreak forever?

What changed my experience of heartbreak forever?

What chance my experience of heartbreak forever?So last week I gave you the first of my answers to the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?”

The second answer that came to me when I asked the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?” tends to apply more when you feel like the decision to end the relationship has been completely out of your hands.

When this happens, we feel like the victim. We feel out of control. We feel ‘wronged’. We feel like this is something that has been done ‘to’ us.

…and when we’re in this place of feeling like it has been done ‘to’ us, the lack of choice, the lack of control makes it even harder to process.

We’ve been forced into this situation of having to deal with these emotions without any choice, any say, and (often it feels like) no consideration.

What I have to say now might be difficult to hear if you’re currently going through heartbreak.

I know, because I’ve been there, and it was hard for me to consider at first too.

But really hearing this, really understanding it can make a huge difference to your experience…and to your future experiences too.

The path out of this feeling of being out of control, of feeling like the victim, the wronged party, is to understand and accept that it is your own choices that have brought you to this moment in time.

(Take a couple of moments to shout and swear at the screen in front of you if you’d like…that can sometimes help too! 🙂 )

This side of heartbreak can be hard to face…

I can almost hear your thoughts “What do you mean?! They’re the one who did this! It’s their fault! I did nothing wrong!” …and I know how this feels, because I’ve felt it myself.

But the reality is that the choices that you have made have led you to the point you are at now. What you’ve done and haven’t done, who you chose to date or not date, what you allowed from other people and what you didn’t allow, how you showed up and how you didn’t show up.

Now, let me be perfectly clear about this…this is not about blame.

This is not about blaming yourself for what has happened (or the other person for that matter)…it’s about understanding that you can take responsibility for your part in how the situation played out.

Whether it’s in that you prioritised your work over your relationship, or that you didn’t always bring the best ‘you’ you could to the relationship, or simply that you chose to be with someone who wasn’t willing or able to meet your needs, or whose wants and needs you weren’t willing or able to meet in return.

This is not about looking back with regret or shame…you’re at this point now because there’s something you need to learn for yourself…and without this experience the lesson wouldn’t be as powerful and wouldn’t make a difference to how you choose to live your life going forward.

Simply understanding this, simply getting to the point where you can see it, and take responsibility for your part in where you’re currently at is the point at which you can shift from feeling like a victim, to feeling empowered.

If your choices have helped create the situation you’re in right now, your choices can help to create something different in the future….they can help to create what you really want for yourself.

I’m not going to lie. This was hard for me to understand at first…and a part of me didn’t want to understand it.

It was easier to blame someone else for how I was feeling.

I didn’t want to accept that I could have done anything that could have changed the situation I was in and the way I was feeling.

I wanted to make him the ‘bad guy’ because it made me feel momentarily better about the fact I wasn’t with him anymore and I had someone to blame for the pain I was feeling.

But when I really took a moment to honestly look at it, I realised that I had played my part in it too.

I’d played my part in each one of my heartrbeaks

Every heartbreak was different, and my part in it had been different too.

There were some in which I’d simply chosen a person that I was fundamentally incompatible with. They didn’t have the capacity to be the man that I wanted to be with long-term.

There were others where I simply wasn’t giving him what he deserved, because I’d not been ‘getting it’ from them first.

There were others where I’d held back for fear of getting hurt, and in doing so I never gave the relationship a chance to see what it could really be.

There were others where I ignored warning signs of dishonesty and just ‘hoped’ that it would get better.

The list goes on. I had to accept that I had a part in the every one of those relationships coming to an end (even if that part was just in starting the relationship in the first place!)

…and here is the part where the power lies.

The gift in heartbreak…

Because if you can see how your choices have helped create the situation you are currently in, you can choose (if you want to) to make different choices in the future.

The awareness that this brings is the key to finding the gift that I mentioned in my earlier article…because the gift is the learning. The gift is being able to understand yourself better, understand what you want in the future, and grow in a way that will enable you to have it.

To make new choices that will empower you and that will create a different outcome, and that will get you close to the life and relationship that you desire and deserve.

…and as a last note, I’ll say this:

This is a very powerful part of the experience of heartbreak. It is also something that needs to happen at the right time. This is part of the ‘acceptance’ stage of the 5 stages of grief that I mentioned in my last article.

Trying to go through this process when you’re still deep in anger, or denial or bargaining, or depression is likely to make you feel worse, not better…because it will be used as a tool to enhance your current stage. You’ll feel more angry (normally at yourself!) if you try and do this from the anger stage…or feel more depressed about the situation if you do it during the depression stage.

It’s a very important process to go through, but you will only get the real benefit of it if it’s done at the right time.

During my last heartbreak I remember ranting to a friend and shouting, “I know this is all happening for a reason, and I know that there will be a gift in it eventually, but right now it just sucks…and I just want to be with the fact that it sucks, because that’s all I have the capacity for right now!!!”

So be gentle with yourself…allow yourself to experience all the stages of grief and all of the emotions that come up fully and in your own time.

…and then when you’re ready (and not a moment sooner!) take yourself through this process to find the gift for you.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Heartbreak

Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

HeartbreakLast week I shared an article to answer the question “Does a broken heart ever heal or are we just left with the scars”, and I was very touched by the reaction the piece received.

A lot of people shared how the article had come at the perfect time for them, because they were dealing with heartbreak themselves, and it gave them another perspective to look at it from.

When I started hearing this, it took me back to some of my own personal experiences of heartbreak.

If a relationship has ended, at some level it wasn’t working. If you’re truly honest with yourself, I’m sure you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re unhappy and unfulfilled or in a relationship where the other person is unhappy or unfulfilled, for whatever reason, because we know deep in our hearts that neither of those scenarios make for a good relationship in the long term. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting….and hurting deeply.

I know. I’ve experienced it first-hand many times.

…and I can vividly recall the times where I’ve felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world.

My experience with heartbreak…

Those moments in time where it felt like an effort just to keep breathing in and out.

The pain, the sadness, the numbness, the confusion, the fear…the complete and total overwhelm of experiencing so many emotions and thoughts at the same time, and not being able to make sense of any of them.

Mind and heart reeling, with no way out, only through.

When I brought these moments of my life to mind, I started to think about heartbreak, and why it hurts so much. As soon as I asked this question, two answers came to me.

The first you’ll no doubt have heard before. The second may be a bit of a surprise…

So why does heartbreak hurt so much?

So the first answer that came to me is that we’re experiencing a loss, which brings with it a sense of grief.

Whether a relationship has come to an end because we’ve chosen to end it, because someone else has chosen to end it, or because it’s been mutually decided that it’s for the best, we are still losing something.

We may not be grieving for the relationship as it was, but instead for the relationship that we thought it was going to be, the relationship it had the potential to be, or the relationship we wanted it to be.

It might seem strange to be grieving for something that you’ve never actually had…but losing the POSSIBILITY of something, is still a loss, and we still experience a sense of grief when the possibility appears to be no more.

We miss the other person…or maybe we don’t, maybe we miss who they used to be, who we thought they were, or who we thought they would become.

Whatever it is that we’re losing, whether it’s was something we had, something we thought we had, or something we thought we were going to have, it’s important to honour the fact that we will experience a sense of grief when the loss becomes a reality.

Most people have heard of the 5 stages of grief (or the Kübler-Ross model) where you go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…but what most people don’t know is that the best way through all the stages, is to fully experience each stage, feel complete with it and then transition through to the next stage…in the timeframe that is right for you.

Do you allow yourself to ‘go through’ heartbreak?

When it comes to heartbreak though, a lot of people don’t allow themselves to go through this grieving process fully…they expect to just ‘feel better’ at some point, get told to snap out of it by someone trying to ‘help’, or distract themselves from really experiencing the feeling because it’s uncomfortable (whether that’s through alcohol, TV, another relationship or any other way to avoid the feelings)…and therefore get ‘stuck’ in one stage.

As I’ve said before, when you’re in this kind of emotional experience, the best way out of it really is through it…allowing yourself to fully feel each aspect of what you’re experiencing in order that you can then release it.

So if you’re in it right now, start to notice where you might be wanting to avoid or distract yourself from how you’re really feeling…because that in itself can be keeping you ‘in it’ and preventing you from moving through it to the other side.

The second answer that came to me when I asked the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?” hit me hard.

Because it was probably one of the hardest things for me to understand and begin to accept about my own experiences with heartbreak…and it was also the single, most powerful realisation that transformed my experience with heartbreak forever.

So join me again next week where I will be sharing the insight that changed how I experience heartbreak…and which helped me reach the point where, as I shared last week, I began to eventually be able to see each one as a gift.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

How can his cave time be a gift for you?

Cave TimeSo last week I shared about ‘man caves’…giving you some ideas about what they are and what men do in them.

But today we get to look at ‘cave time’ in a whole new way…

Why is cave time so important?

Time and space like this is a need for masculine men….and they will all find a way to get it in some shape or form.

It’s not a ‘nice to have’ or ‘I’d kind of like it’…it’s a need, a must, a lifeline. It keeps him sane.

Now the amount of cave time a man needs can vary significantly. Some men may only need 5-10 minutes a day, some men may need some time in the week, or every month…or maybe even every year.

Most women have had the experience at some time in their lives of wondering why on earth a man takes reading materials into the bathroom…and why he takes so long in there! It’s often not about the toilet, or the newspaper…it’s time in his cave, just a little bit of space in the day for him.

They key with the cave is to not take it personally. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s not that he needs time away from YOU…it’s that he needs time specifically for HIM. It is not personal.

If a man doesn’t get cave time he can often feel uneasy or restless. If you are spending all day every day together the danger is that he will associate this uneasy or restless feeling with you or your relationship….which then can become a bigger issue, when in fact it’s nothing to do with you or the relationship…he just needs a bit of time in the cave.

So how do you deal with cave time?

The first thing is to let him know that cave time is OK. If a man feels like you’re reluctantly giving him cave time, he’ll feel a pressure to come out of the cave…which completely defeats the point of the cave in the first place. He needs to know that you understand, that it’s OK, and he can take whatever time he needs.

The interesting thing about this is that if a man feels like it’s not OK to be in his cave, he’s likely to want to stay in there longer. If he feels like it’s OK and he can have the time he wants and needs…he’s actually likely to need less of it.

I speak from personal experience. If you’re sat by the cave door asking him when he’s going to come out…he’s likely to feel the need to be in there longer. If he knows he can take as long as he wants he can come out before he expected to himself.

When he’s in the cave let him be. Don’t approach him, don’t contact him (unless he’s explicitly said it’s OK for you to) ….initiate no contact of any description.

Let him totally have his space, and let him come to you when his cave time is done.

Don’t follow him into the cave, don’t try and ‘help him’ with his cave time….simply ask him to let you know when he’s out of the cave and then let him have his space.

The great thing about the cave is that you can make it fun, and play with it. If my man needs cave time I’ll get a text or a message saying something like “Cave man need cave time, ug ug ug”…which makes me smile and makes it easy to be understanding about.

I have a little giggle to myself and message back to let him know it’s OK and to get in touch when he’s out of the cave.

How can cave time be a gift for you?

When you start to understand that the cave is a need, and by letting him have that space your man will be happier in himself and also more able to meet your needs in return…you see that the cave can actually be a win-win.

So many women think that by letting a man have time in his cave, they’ve got to lose something in return. That in giving him what he needs, somehow she’s not getting what she needs.

…and this is where the problem lies. When we look at a situation like this from a place of scarcity, of course it’s likely to cause a challenge.

If we think there’s only space for one person to get what they want and need at a time, then in order for him to get what he needs, we need to give up what we need.

In order for us to give him space…we lose connection time.

But what if there was a different way of looking at it?

Because when your man’s in his cave it’s your time to be able to do the things that make you feel great.

Have time with the girls, pamper yourself, watch a chick flick, go out dancing…anything that fills you up.

Just because your man’s in his cave, doesn’t mean you need to be sat by the door waiting for him to come out, twiddling your thumbs at a loose end until he reappears….

…no cave time is as much your time as it is his time.

You can make cave time work as much for you as it does for him.

…and when he comes out of his cave and you’ve given him what he wants and needs, the time you’ll get to spend together will be so much more enjoyable. He’ll be in a great space, he’ll be grateful that you’ve given him what he needs, and he’ll really want to enjoy spending the time with you.

He’ll be able to connect more with you, because he won’t be distracted by the other things on his mind, because he’ll have used his cave time to process them and deal with them.

He’s likely to be more attentive, more connected and more present.

So everybody wins!

Have fun with thinking of the ways that you will enjoy his next visit into the cave… because cave time for him = ‘me time’ for you…and it means that the time you spend together after will really be quality time.

…look at it this way and the next time your man wants time in the cave you’ll be only too happy to let him have it!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Do you let a man have time in his cave?

Man CaveAs we’ve established recently, men and women are fundamentally different.

We have different ways of doing things, different languages, different needs.

A lot of the challenges that arise between men and women come from the simple mistake of expecting them to behave like we do…to want what we want, need what we need, understand what we understand.

So today I want to share with you about another fundamental difference between men and women, which is crucial for you to understand.

Getting the importance of ‘the cave’ could be the lifeline in your relationship.

As you probably know by now, my work is informed from a wide range of sources.  I read a lot of books, go to a lot of seminars, listen to a lot of audio programs and create a huge amount myself.

I first heard about ‘the cave’ in John Gray’s ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I don’t necessarily subscribe to everything that John shares in this book, as is often the case I took from it the pieces that resonated with me, and evolved them – combining them with my own ideas and ones from other sources.

But the basic concept of the cave is so important that I wanted to share it with you, and I always like to give credit when something I share relates to someone else’s work.

As we know from the definition of masculinity, one of the key aspects of the masculine is independence.

Especially when it comes to times of stress or challenge the masculine will tend towards taking time and space by himself to work through or figure out the situation…whereas the feminine in the same situation tends to prefer to connect with others, share their problems and get support.

It’s at times like this that a man will often retreat into his ‘cave’.

So what is the cave?

The cave is simple time and space for him.

Time and space to be on his own.

Time and space for his thoughts.

Time and space where he doesn’t have to say anything, do anything or be anything.

Time and space where he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else.

Time and space for him to do what he wants and needs to do.

A lot of the time men feel a huge amount of pressure.  They feel responsible, they feel that they need to provide, they feel that they need to protect, they feel they need to be everything that you need, regardless of what’s going on for them.

Imagine that this responsibility is like a Knight’s tools of the trade.  It’s the armour to protect themselves and others, it’s the sword and shield to protect and provide…these things all carry a weight.

So time in their cave is time for them to put down the weight they’re carrying for a short time.

To feel free of responsibility, to feel free to be able to do whatever they need to without being afraid that it will affect you or anyone else in a negative way.

The cave can be a metaphorical space, or a literal one.

Some men have a physical space that is their ‘cave’.  It could be a den, a study, an office, a shed, or even the toilet! A space in his life which is all his…he can have it exactly how he wants it and it’s a safe space where he can go anytime and not be disturbed.

What does he do in his cave?

So what is it that men do in their caves?  Well the answer is simple…anything they want to.

It could be watching TV, taking time to unwind.

It could be doing a hobby that he really enjoys and that allows him to escape from life for a little bit.

It could be playing computer games, fishing, reading the paper, pottering about on the internet, exercising.

It could be nothing….literally nothing at all.

Cave time is mostly about unplugging and decompressing.  Space if he needs it to work through his problems in his mind, or process anything that’s been happening in his life.

So how do I find out more about the cave?

Now that we understand what cave time is and what a man does in it…the next thing to understand is why is it so important…and how you can deal with it.

So next week I’ll be sharing with you why cave time is important and how to best deal with it…but most importantly I’ll be sharing with you how to make the cave time that he wants and needs work for YOU.

How you can take what at first seems like something that may be quite challenging, and instead make it something that you get as much out of as he does!

So watch out for next week’s article…and the answers that will make all the difference to your relationship…

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

 

Why isn’t my man more masculine?

Why isn't my man more masculine, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stNo matter where I go in the world, I always get asked a lot of questions.

But there are some that I hear with an alarming degree of regularity.

…and there’s one that I hear more than most.

Depending on whether a woman is single or in a relationship the question varies slightly…but the gist is the same.

For single women it’s “Why can’t I find any masculine men?”

For women in relationships it’s “Why isn’t my man more masculine?”

The essence is the same, women can’t find the masculinity that they want in the men around them.

Why aren’t our men more masculine?

Well the feminist movement had a big impact.  As women stepped into the work place, and took on the roles that had been exclusively for men, men were expected to begin taking on the roles of women.

They heard over and over again “You must get in touch with your feminine side”.

They were expected to be more ‘touchy feely”, to help out around the house, to listen, to talk more, to be more like us women.

..and they did a great job at getting in touch with their feminine side…

…the bad news is that they did such a great job that they forgot what they masculine side looked like!

The word masculine became mistakenly synonymous with macho, neanderthal…even misogynistic.

Men became less and less comfortable expressing their masculinity for fear of criticism or facing yet another emasculating comment.

But do I want my man to be more masculine?

The answer is simple.  This many women asking “why isn’t my man more masculine?” indicates that’s exactly what we want.

Feminine women are craving masculinity in their men.

They truly want their men to be able to step up and be the man so that they can finally relax and be themselves.

They don’t want to have to be in control, to take all the responsibility, to be in charge all the time.

They want a partner, someone who complements them, their opposite but equal.

…so why isn’t this happening?

Today I share with you the answer…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

 

So do you want to know more about how you can help your man to be more masculine?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership, you will also get access to all future weekly Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

The Feminine 1st Family launched fully on June 1st and therefore if you would like to continue to enjoy the new weekly videos (and request a video responding to your specific question) I am sharing a very special introductory offer until the end of June.

So click here to find out all about how to help your man be more masculine.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

How can you get the help and support you want and deserve?

How to get the help and support you wantSo last week I started to share with you the 7 key mistakes that a lot of women face when trying to get the help and support that they want and need from the men in their life.…and today I get to share with you the rest of the key mistakes AND the 3 simple steps to getting the help and support you want and need in the future:

So what are the 7 mistakes women face when trying to get help and support?

So here is the rest of the 7 key mistakes that women face when trying to get help and support from the men in their life:
  • 3. Not communicating what you want at all – For a number of reasons women don’t tend to communicate what they want.  It might be that they did it once and didn’t get the reaction they wanted so swore off doing it for the rest of their lives.  It might be that they don’t actually know what they want…so they don’t know how to ask for it (but are still unhappy when they don’t get it).  It might be that they’re afraid of communicating honestly what they want, in case they still don’t get it.  Well I’m here to let you in on a secret.  If you communicate really honestly what you want, there’s a possibility you’ll get it.  If you don’t, you pretty much guarantee that it’ll never happen.
  • 4. Communicating what you want indirectly – In a video recently I talked about ‘man language’ and ‘woman language’.  I go into it in more depth in the video, but as a reminder ‘man language’ is often about communicating simply, directly and effectively.  ‘Woman language’ often involves more indirect communication…such as trying to communicate what you want by saying what you don’t want, hinting or suggesting.  Unless you are clear and direct with what you want and need, a man won’t necessarily even understand that you’re trying to communicate this to him, as that’s not the way they naturally communicate.  If you say to a man ‘doesn’t this X look like a lovely place’, he’ll often take it at face value…rather than as a hint that maybe you’d like to go there!
  • 5. Not being consistent – If you ask for something from someone once, the chances are they might remember.  If you ask for something from someone a few times, the chances are higher that they’ll remember it.  If you ask for something from someone every week, or month, or whenever a given situation comes up then they are far more likely to realise it’s important to you and make it a priority to remember.  The more consistent you are, the easier you make it for him to meet your needs.
  • 6. Not appreciating when they do it ‘right’ – Men love to be appreciated.  In the same way as criticism cuts to the core of a man, appreciation speaks to their core in a positive way.  Remember it doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’ for you to appreciate it, if you can see he’s making the effort to help and support you in the way you’ve requested, then show him that you appreciate that.  Making a point of thanking him and showing your gratitude and appreciation when he helps and supports you in a way that you really feel helped and supported will give him the motivation and desire to it again next time!
  • 7. Not setting the game up for them to win – Men like to win, they want to make you happy, they want to be able to help and support you and feel like your hero…so help them to help you.  Set up the game so that it’s easy for them to ‘win’ at it…that they know the rules, they know how to win the points and that when they do they’ll get the ‘prize’ of your appreciation and gratitude.  If you set the game up so that it’s easy to win, they’ll want to play again and again and again…even better when they win, you win, and when you win, they win.  Who wouldn’t want to play a game when the outcome is always win-win?

So how do we get the help and support we want and need?

So now we know the 7 mistakes, how do we get the help and support we want and need?Remember to A, B, C…

  • Ask – For his help
  • Be Honest & Consistent – With what you really want and need to feel his help and support
  • Constant Appreciation – When he gives it to you

So how do I ask for the help and support I want and need?

One question that I sometimes get when I share this advice is “How do I ask him for the help and support I want and need?”  When we’re not used to asking, sometimes we’re unsure how to go about it.

You can take the approach of just ‘trying it’ and seeing what happens, starting a conversation with “Honey, I’d really like your help with something” or “Could I ask you to help me with something?” and seeing what happens.

But the alternative approach is actually to ask him how to ask him!  Simply saying to him “If I wanted your help and support with something, what would be the best way for me to ask you for it?” leaves the door wide open for him to tell you how to ask in a way that works for him.

…and you then know how to start the process the next time you want to practice your A, B, Cs…. 🙂

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Do you know how to deal with emotionally charged situations in your relationship?

Do you know how to deal with emotionally charged situations with your man? Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stWhen it comes to intimate relationships, emotions are the life blood.

They are the heart and soul, the foundation, the core.

…unfortunately emotions are also one of the biggest differentiators between the masculine and feminine.

How do the masculine and feminine approach emotionally charged situations?

Emotions are a way of life for the feminine…the feminine experiences the full range of emotions, the depth, the breadth, the highs, the lows and everything in between.

Conversely, the masculine is more driven by logic.  Reason, analysis, deduction…following the rationale and making informed choice.

As we know, we all have both masculine and feminine inside us…which gives each and every one of us the ability to connect with and use both emotion and logic.

We do, however, have a tendency towards one or the other.  There is one that is more natural for us, one that is our default, one that is our core nature.

When it comes to men and women, the majority of men tend to be more masculine at their core, and the majority of women tend to be more feminine….although there are people for whom it is the other way around.

How can I deal with emotionally charged situations in my relationship?

When it comes to intimate relationships (especially during times of stress, or when there are problems occurring) having a way to navigate the differences between the masculine and feminine approaches to emotions can be essential.

Now positive emotions don’t tend to cause many problems…but when we’re dealing with more challenging emotions, it can be of huge benefit to be abel to bridge the gap between the masculine and feminine.

Because men and people who are masculine at core don’t have the same experience of emotions that feminine people do, they don’t have a frame of reference in how to deal with it.

So often when there are challenges in relationships the feminine wants to talk, to deal with the emotions….whereas the masculine wants to take a more logical approach…find the problem and fix it.

When feeling emotional the feminine often wants to feel more connected and supported, she wants to move towards her partner, to connect more, to feel like he’s there for her.  On the flip side, the masculine often prefers to have time and space to deal with challenges, to work it through in his own mind first.

If I had a pair of shoes for every woman I’ve met or connected with who has been frustrated by her partner’s need and desire to ‘fix’, or backing away when she wants him to move in and support her, I could probably wear a different pair every day for the rest of my life and still have extras to spare…

So today I want to give you a gift…a fantastic technique which has been invaluable for me personally in my own intimate relationship, and that I know has helped many others to navigate these differences in a way that works for both parties…

 

So do you want to know more about how to deal with emotionally charged situations in your relationship?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership, you will also get access to all future weekly Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

The Feminine 1st Family launched fully on June 1st and therefore if you would like to continue to enjoy the new weekly videos (and request a video responding to your specific question) I am sharing a very special introductory offer until the end of June.

So click here to find out all about how to deal with emotionally charged situations in a way that works for both you and your relationship.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Do the men in your life know how to help and support you?

Do the men in your life know how to help and support youAs I talked about in last week’s video blog, one of the biggest challenges in relationships is communication.I know from the various conversations I’ve had with women around the world, that a lot of women are frustrated that they don’t feel helped or supported enough by the man in their life.If they’re honest, these women know deep down inside that their man wants to help, and often he’s trying to help, but his way of doing it doesn’t necessarily resonate.

What does help and support look like to you?

It’s important to understand that we all have our own idea of what help and support look like.

There are some fundamental differences between the masculine and feminine in what constitutes ‘help’ or ‘support’, and there are also distinctions that are completely unique to us as individuals.

The masculine’s approach to support tends to be ‘fix it’.  Find the problem, find a solution.  Quick, efficient, effective.  Bish bash bosh…job done.

The feminine’s approach to support tends to be ‘talk about it’.  Connect with the person, share what’s going on, express how you’re feeling, see what else might be affecting the situation.  The feminine takes as much time is needed to make sure a person feels heard, that they’ve got everything off their chest, that their emotions have been expressed and that they FEEL better.  There might be a solution, there might not.  It doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is that they feel better about it.

The masculine can often want help in the form of space and distance, to be by themselves, to figure it out, whereas the feminine often wants to get closer to others, to feel connected and that they’re not alone.

Then there are our own individual ideas about what constitutes help and support.   For some people asking questions is helpful, because it helps them to reach their own conclusions…for others they want advice, suggestions and ideas.

Does my man even WANT to help and support me?

The frustrating thing for so many masculine men is that they not only WANT to help, they LIVE to help.  Nothing makes them happier than feeling like they are helping and supporting the women they care about….they just don’t necessarily know how.

So they help in the way that they think will help…and can often end up making things worse.

The more they try to help, the worse things get, and because they don’t want to make things worse they stop trying to help.

So if men want to help and support, and women want their help and support…surely there must be a way to make this work?

…and there is.

How can I get the help and support I want from the men in my life?

We just need to learn to bridge the gap.The gap between what we actually want and need, and what they think we want and need.There are 7 key mistakes that a lot of women face when trying to get the help and support that they want and need from the men in their life…so today I want to start to share these with you to help you get what you want and need in the future:

  1. Expecting them to read your mind – In an ideal world, where Manolo Blahniks were £10 a pair and the rivers were made of chocolate, men would automatically just ‘know’ what we want and what we need.  But we’re not living in an ‘ideal world’…I know, I’ve been looking for a £10 pair of Manolos for years.  Just because we want them to ‘know’ doesn’t mean they do.  Unfortunately they’re not just women with a couple of external amendments.  We think completely differently.  We are completely different.  If you want them to guess, the chances are that they’ll guess wrong….because they’ll guess according to the world as they see it…which is totally different to the world that you live in.
  2. Criticising them when they do it ‘wrong’ – Men don’t tend to respond well to criticism.  Actually no-one really responds well to criticism, but when you criticise a man you cut straight to his core.  Now most women think this is therefore the most effective way to communicate what they want…but in reality when you take this approach he’s likely feel attacked,  to put up the defences, and keep his distance.  When he’s in defence mode, he’s very unlikely to be taking note of your wants and desires…he’s more likely to feel like he’s been engaged in a battle, and all that matters to him in the moment is making sure he doesn’t lose.
So now I have some good news and some bad news.The good news is that there’s so much I can share with you to help you to get what you want and need in the future.The bad news is that I couldn’t fit it all into one article…so come back next week to hear the last 5 mistakes…and the 3 simple steps to getting the help and support that you want and need in the future.

Until then, stay fabulous!

Claire x