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Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in them

What’s the difference between feeling your emotions and wallowing in them?

Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in themWe all have times when we experience ‘negative’ emotions.

The thing with emotions is that they all serve a purpose…they are there for a reason. All emotions…the good, the bad and the sometimes very ugly.

That’s the reason I put the word ‘negative’ in inverted commas…because we only perceive them as negative…they actually serve a positive purpose when we allow them to.

In our culture these days, when we experience ‘negative’ emotions we have a tendency to want to distract ourselves from experiencing them. We want to avoid, ignore or bury them…or simply pretend that they don’t exist.

We’ve a plethora of ways to distract ourselves from our emotions…eating, shopping, drinking, drugs, losing ourselves in TV or movies, or burying ourselves in work.

But as I’ve talked about in several articles, these emotions exist for a reason…in order for them to serve their purpose we need to experience them.

They are there to help us to process our experiences, to move through them, learn from them, grow from them…and if we don’t acknowledge and experience these emotions they tend to hang around.

They bubble under the surface and when we least expect it (and often when it is least convenient) they pop up and bite us in the butt.

So in order to release these emotions, we need to first experience them, we need to feel the emotions fully in order to let them go.

But a question I’ve heard many times when this subject comes up is “How do I tell the difference between feeling the emotions to process them and let them go, and wallowing in them?”

This is such a fantastic question…and one that is so valuable to know the answer to that I wanted to write today’s article to share this vital insight with you.

We’ve all wallowed at times.

Those times when we’ve experienced something that has brought up a ‘negative’ emotion…it could be sadness, pain, hurt, anger, shame, grief, rejection – any ‘negative’ emotion.

BUT we don’t want to move through it, we don’t want to release it we WANT to be in it.

We want to just be in the negative emotion, we don’t want to move, we just want to sit there.

Doing nothing, changing nothing, just being in it.

But why?

Why would we want to voluntarily stay in an emotion that doesn’t feel good?

The reason is that in the short term, we can actually seem to gain a lot by being in it….though we may not be consciously aware of it.

When we’re in a ‘bad’ space, there can be ‘benefits’ to it.

In an increasingly numb culture, this is a moment where we’re really feeling something, we feel connected to ourselves and to our emotions in a way that most of us don’t in our day-to-day lives.

We get sympathy from and connection to other people…when we’re not feeling great we often get friends, family or colleagues reaching out to us to give us support. They want to be there for you, comfort you, help you to feel better – often in a way that we don’t experience when we’re not in this kind of space.

This kind of attention makes us feel important, makes us feel special, makes us feel significant…in a way that we might not be used to feeling the rest of the time.

We might use feeling this way as an excuse for not doing things that we’d prefer to avoid…for having some downtime, taking a break, and allowing yourself to breathe a bit and have some time for you. In our hamster-wheel-like lives, we don’t allow ourselves to do this often enough…and so having a reason to do it can feel quite good.

…or we can use it as an excuse for doing the things that we don’t believe we ‘should’ do, but a part of us would really like to. We use feeling bad as a reason for maxing out our credit cards, finishing off an entire chocolate cake, or downing a bottle of wine.

So while we might not be consciously aware of the benefits of being in our ‘negative’ emotions…subconsciously we can bet getting a lot out of it, so we can begin to indulge in it, to subconsciously choose to stay in it, to wallow.

So what’s the problem with wallowing in our ‘negative’ emotions?

If we’re getting so many benefits from being in our ‘negative’ emotions, then what’s the problem?

Well the simple answer is that it’s a short-term gain, which costs us in the long term.

You see processing the emotions, feeling them fully in order to release them gives a short term pain (of feeling fully the emotions that are there) …but which enables us to get a huge long-term benefit…i.e. that we get to completely release these emotions, learn from them, grow from them and move on without taking the baggage of the past with us.

On the other hand, wallowing gives us a short-term gain (the benefits of us being in our negative emotion), but because we’re not feeling the emotions to release them, we’re indulging in them to get these benefits, we never actually get the REAL benefit of being able to let them go and move on to create a life free of this baggage. Instead we end up carrying it all with us all the time, which in the long-term is draining and very unfulfilling.

So how can you tell the difference between processing emotions and wallowing? The point at which you feel that you’re getting more from being in your ‘negative’ emotion than from processing and releasing it is the point at which you’re wallowing. When being in pain is subconsciously ‘worth it’ because of the benefits we get from being there.

The danger with wallowing is that so often that we’re unaware of the fact that we’re doing it. The choice is happening at a subconscious level…not a conscious one.

So how can we avoid the pitfall of wallowing in emotions?

The only way to avoid the pitfall of wallowing is to use awareness and choice.

Becoming aware of whether you are processing or indulging in your ‘negative’ emotions is the first step towards shifting it.

So simply asking yourself the question “Am I feeling this emotion to process and release it, or to indulge in it?” and answering it honestly puts you in a position of choice.

When you’re aware of where you’re at, you can then choose whether or not to stay there…asking yourself “Do I want the short term benefit, or the long term gain?” can be an important question when you want to make a powerful choice of what you want for yourself.

And do you want to know what’s really great about choosing to process your emotions and release them rather than wallow in them?

You actually still get the short-term benefits when you’re in it, feeling the emotions in order to then release them…but they’re not enough to keep you there, you know you want more for yourself…

…SO you also get the long-term benefit of being able to put down the baggage you’ve been carrying with you and move on to create a lighter and more fulfilling life as well!

So it’s win-win!

So the next time you find yourself feeling something you’d rather not be feeling, ask yourself the question, “Am I processing this, or am I wallowing in it?” and see which choice you’d really like to make.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Your Unique Femininity Formula – Do you know how to get into your body?

Your Unique Femininity Formula - Do you know how to get into your body? - Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stThese days, we women spend a LOT of time in our heads.

We think, we analyse, we wonder, we consider all the options.

It doesn’t matter what the topic, we like to make sure we’ve thoroughly considered every aspect of it.

We’ve got so used to thinking things through…that we have a tendency to over-think them!

Have you forgotten about your body?

We want to figure things out, find the solution…we’re intelligent creatures, so it’s natural for us to want to use our brains.

Think about your relationship.  How much time do you spend thinking about it, thinking about what’s great about it, what’s not so good about it, what could be better about it?

If there’s a problem you want to figure out the answer, look at the possible options, and potential outcomes and decide which course of action is likely to be the ‘best’.

But we’ve got so caught up in our heads with all this thinking that we’ve completely disconnected from our bodies.

What’s your body got to do with it?

The challenge we have as women is that logic and reasoning is a very masculine trait.

Now that’s not to say that it’s not something that women can do, far from it, but it also isn’t wise for a feminine women to spend all her time in her head stuck in the paralysis of analysis.

Getting stuck in your head is the fastest way to end up feeling overwhelmed and stuck…circling round and round with no real way out.

So the solution for us it to get out of our heads, and into our bodies…and today I give you a few ideas to get you started:

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

 

So would you like to know how you can get back into your body?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out all about how you can connect with your animal instincts.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Over-think things? Me? Never…

ThinkingWe all do it.

We know we do.

We get caught up in our heads, over-thinking things and analyzing them to the ‘nth’ degree.

As women, we have a tendency (in general) to do this more than men do…as men have the ability (as alien as it may seem to us) to do the ‘thinking about nothing’ thing.

I’ve yet to meet a woman who has mastered this skill.

If you saw the link in last week’s newsletter to the hilarious video from Mark Gungor on the difference between men and women’s brains you know exactly what I’m talking about! (If you missed it, you can find it here clicky.me/71dC)

We’re intelligent people, so it’s natural that we would want to use our brains.

We want to work out the answer, solve the problem, find a solution.

But at what point does thinking become over thinking?

Where we analyse EVERYTHING before we say or doing anything.

Where we try and find every single possible permutation of a situation, every possible outcome so that we can ‘be prepared’…regardless of what happens.

As many people say…we get caught in the paralysis of analysis.

One of the main problems with this is that we get so caught up in the thinking that we never actually get to the doing.

When it comes to femininity and polarity however, the challenge with over-thinking is more fundamental.

Because although there are things that you can do to feel more feminine, there are things you can think, even things you can wear…at its core it is a feeling.

A sensation, an emotion, an essence.

A way of being…not of thinking.

If we get caught up in our heads too much we are actually moving away from the essence of what femininity is all about.

So this is just a little reminder.

To get out of your head and into your heart a little more often.

Focus on what you feel, not on what you think.

If you’re ever in doubt over what to do or how to proceed, go back to the core.

Turn down the volume on that little voice in your head (which is probably driving you crazy anyway!) and turn up the volume on your heart.

There are a number of ways to do this, but the one that I always recommend is an exercise at the end of my free MP3 audio program “The First Steps to Femininity”.  If you’ve not yet got it, pop over here now to get your free download: http://feminine1st.com/free-gift/

It only takes 8 minutes, and having you’ve done it once with the audio, it’s really easy to do any time, any place.

When you’ve reconnected with your heart, from THAT place ask yourself one simple question.

What is my intuition telling me?

How do you know?  It’s easy.

When you’re in this space, feeling really connected, ask yourself the question that you want the answer to, and the first thing that instantaneously comes to mind (before your brain has a chance to kick in and complicate matters!) is what your intuition is telling you.

As we know, femininity is all about authenticity, it comes from the inside out.  The best way to find that authenticity is getting back to the heart and working from what you feel, not necessarily what you know.

So, when your brain runs riot and gets carried away…tell it to take the afternoon off and spend some quality time with your heart.

Stay Fabulous!

Claire x