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How to avoid the annual break-up season

Would you like to know how to avoid the annual break-up season?

How to avoid the annual break-up seasonThe festive season can be wonderful.

…it can also be a really challenging time of year.

Family commitments, present-buying, Christmas parties, money-worries, end of year deadlines…

It’s a recipe for a stress-cocktail.

It’s no surprise that according to Facebook, December is the month of the year with the highest number of breakups.

The problem with stress is that we have a tendency to take it out on the people who are closest to us. They are the people who see every side of us…the good, the bad and the very ugly.

We don’t put on pretenses for those who are closest to us…and we don’t tend to pull our punches.

You see, when we’re under stress our bodies jump into fight or flight mode.

Why is this the annual break-up season?

We learned our stress responses many years ago when ‘stress’ was caused by coming face-to-face with a saber-toothed tiger or a woolly mammoth. It was a matter of survival. Us or them.

Unfortunately our stress responses have not evolved with our lives…so we get the same rush of adrenaline and hormones when dealing with an urgent deadline as we did when being considered as a Paleolithic beast’s lunch.

So when we feel stress we see the world as a threat…including our partner.

When we see someone or something as a threat, all compassion and understanding tends to fly out of the nearest window. We have two go-to responses; protect & defend ourselves, and attack.

…and when one person gets defensive or confrontational, the other person often isn’t far behind.

So how can we avoid the stress-loop that often leads to a break-up?

Well the biggest problem when we enter this stress-pattern is that we forget that we are on the same side.

We’re on the same team.

They aren’t your adversary, they’re your team-mate.

Think about a football team. How successful do you think a team would be if they spent all their time tackling each other rather than focusing on the opposition, or the goal?

Not very.

You see, our response to stress often has us drawing battle lines against the person with whom you could instead be creating a battle strategy WITH.

So if you notice yourself dropping into ‘confrontation mode’ with your partner, here are a few simple steps to help you get back in each other’s corner again.

  1. Stop – So many of our troubles at this time of year start because rather than responding to what’s happening we react. We fire right back at the moment we feel upset or triggered without taking a moment to stop and consider how we want to respond, or the consequences of our reaction. Take a pause…it could make all the difference.
  2. Breathe – Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to let go of some of the tension in your body. When we go into fight of flight mode our muscles tense in order to be ready to swing a right-hook, or run for the hills. Taking a deep breath and shaking out your body can release some of this tension and help you to relax.
  3. Ask yourself a question – When we feel this way, it tends to be because we’ve attributed a meaning to our partner’s behavior (what they’ve said / not said / done / not done) that might not be in-line with the intention behind it. So ask yourself “What else could this mean?”, could there be another reason than the one you’ve got in your mind?
  4. Apologise – At this point you may be a little confused. Apologise? But they’re the one who’s upset me! While that may be true…step back a little bit. Is there something that you’ve said or done (or not said or done) that might have caused a reaction in them? Might they have misinterpreted your actions or words? If you can see how they might be upset, apologise for your part in what’s happened, without reservation, and without bringing how you’re feeling into it (for now).
  5. Ask for their help – It may be that they simply don’t know what you want or need, and how to give it to you…so the easiest way for them to be able to do this is for you to tell them. But barking instructions at them is probably not going to help them feel you’re on the same side. Instead ask for their help…ask for what you want and need, show them how to help and support you.
  6. Remind them that you’re on the same team – Remind them that you’re on their team…and that you know that they’re on your team too. Just verbalising this can make such a difference to how you both perceive what’s going on. It might be a misunderstanding, it might be a difference of opinion, but if you’re on the same side, you can figure it out together.

When you’re on the same side, dealing with the stress of the season seems so much more manageable…and you know you’re not dealing with it alone. Navigating your way through this can both pull you together, or tear you apart…choosing to be on the same team can make it more likely to be the former.

…and what if you do break-up?

…and if you do break up this time of year, there are a few things to bear in mind.

If the choice to separate wasn’t yours, then the other person has done you the favour of walking away from you. You want to be with someone who chooses you, who sees you, who values you…who wants to be with you. If this person has made another choice, you deserve more.

But knowing that doesn’t make the process of dealing with it any easier…so you might want to check out a couple of these articles to help you through the process:

…and the new year is a good time to move start afresh, to go through the process of letting go of the past and to begin to attract and create the relationship that you desire and deserve.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Communication Secrets: Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

This Week’s Thursday Thought: Communication Secrets – Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

This week’s Thursday Thought:

Communication Secrets – Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

Communication Secrets: Expect Women to Interpret Everything & Expect Men to Interpret Nothing

Heartbreak

Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

HeartbreakLast week I shared an article to answer the question “Does a broken heart ever heal or are we just left with the scars”, and I was very touched by the reaction the piece received.

A lot of people shared how the article had come at the perfect time for them, because they were dealing with heartbreak themselves, and it gave them another perspective to look at it from.

When I started hearing this, it took me back to some of my own personal experiences of heartbreak.

If a relationship has ended, at some level it wasn’t working. If you’re truly honest with yourself, I’m sure you don’t want to be in a relationship where you’re unhappy and unfulfilled or in a relationship where the other person is unhappy or unfulfilled, for whatever reason, because we know deep in our hearts that neither of those scenarios make for a good relationship in the long term. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting….and hurting deeply.

I know. I’ve experienced it first-hand many times.

…and I can vividly recall the times where I’ve felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world.

My experience with heartbreak…

Those moments in time where it felt like an effort just to keep breathing in and out.

The pain, the sadness, the numbness, the confusion, the fear…the complete and total overwhelm of experiencing so many emotions and thoughts at the same time, and not being able to make sense of any of them.

Mind and heart reeling, with no way out, only through.

When I brought these moments of my life to mind, I started to think about heartbreak, and why it hurts so much. As soon as I asked this question, two answers came to me.

The first you’ll no doubt have heard before. The second may be a bit of a surprise…

So why does heartbreak hurt so much?

So the first answer that came to me is that we’re experiencing a loss, which brings with it a sense of grief.

Whether a relationship has come to an end because we’ve chosen to end it, because someone else has chosen to end it, or because it’s been mutually decided that it’s for the best, we are still losing something.

We may not be grieving for the relationship as it was, but instead for the relationship that we thought it was going to be, the relationship it had the potential to be, or the relationship we wanted it to be.

It might seem strange to be grieving for something that you’ve never actually had…but losing the POSSIBILITY of something, is still a loss, and we still experience a sense of grief when the possibility appears to be no more.

We miss the other person…or maybe we don’t, maybe we miss who they used to be, who we thought they were, or who we thought they would become.

Whatever it is that we’re losing, whether it’s was something we had, something we thought we had, or something we thought we were going to have, it’s important to honour the fact that we will experience a sense of grief when the loss becomes a reality.

Most people have heard of the 5 stages of grief (or the Kübler-Ross model) where you go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…but what most people don’t know is that the best way through all the stages, is to fully experience each stage, feel complete with it and then transition through to the next stage…in the timeframe that is right for you.

Do you allow yourself to ‘go through’ heartbreak?

When it comes to heartbreak though, a lot of people don’t allow themselves to go through this grieving process fully…they expect to just ‘feel better’ at some point, get told to snap out of it by someone trying to ‘help’, or distract themselves from really experiencing the feeling because it’s uncomfortable (whether that’s through alcohol, TV, another relationship or any other way to avoid the feelings)…and therefore get ‘stuck’ in one stage.

As I’ve said before, when you’re in this kind of emotional experience, the best way out of it really is through it…allowing yourself to fully feel each aspect of what you’re experiencing in order that you can then release it.

So if you’re in it right now, start to notice where you might be wanting to avoid or distract yourself from how you’re really feeling…because that in itself can be keeping you ‘in it’ and preventing you from moving through it to the other side.

The second answer that came to me when I asked the question “Why does heartbreak hurt so much?” hit me hard.

Because it was probably one of the hardest things for me to understand and begin to accept about my own experiences with heartbreak…and it was also the single, most powerful realisation that transformed my experience with heartbreak forever.

So join me again next week where I will be sharing the insight that changed how I experience heartbreak…and which helped me reach the point where, as I shared last week, I began to eventually be able to see each one as a gift.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Do you know how to deal with emotionally charged situations in your relationship?

Do you know how to deal with emotionally charged situations with your man? Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stWhen it comes to intimate relationships, emotions are the life blood.

They are the heart and soul, the foundation, the core.

…unfortunately emotions are also one of the biggest differentiators between the masculine and feminine.

How do the masculine and feminine approach emotionally charged situations?

Emotions are a way of life for the feminine…the feminine experiences the full range of emotions, the depth, the breadth, the highs, the lows and everything in between.

Conversely, the masculine is more driven by logic.  Reason, analysis, deduction…following the rationale and making informed choice.

As we know, we all have both masculine and feminine inside us…which gives each and every one of us the ability to connect with and use both emotion and logic.

We do, however, have a tendency towards one or the other.  There is one that is more natural for us, one that is our default, one that is our core nature.

When it comes to men and women, the majority of men tend to be more masculine at their core, and the majority of women tend to be more feminine….although there are people for whom it is the other way around.

How can I deal with emotionally charged situations in my relationship?

When it comes to intimate relationships (especially during times of stress, or when there are problems occurring) having a way to navigate the differences between the masculine and feminine approaches to emotions can be essential.

Now positive emotions don’t tend to cause many problems…but when we’re dealing with more challenging emotions, it can be of huge benefit to be abel to bridge the gap between the masculine and feminine.

Because men and people who are masculine at core don’t have the same experience of emotions that feminine people do, they don’t have a frame of reference in how to deal with it.

So often when there are challenges in relationships the feminine wants to talk, to deal with the emotions….whereas the masculine wants to take a more logical approach…find the problem and fix it.

When feeling emotional the feminine often wants to feel more connected and supported, she wants to move towards her partner, to connect more, to feel like he’s there for her.  On the flip side, the masculine often prefers to have time and space to deal with challenges, to work it through in his own mind first.

If I had a pair of shoes for every woman I’ve met or connected with who has been frustrated by her partner’s need and desire to ‘fix’, or backing away when she wants him to move in and support her, I could probably wear a different pair every day for the rest of my life and still have extras to spare…

So today I want to give you a gift…a fantastic technique which has been invaluable for me personally in my own intimate relationship, and that I know has helped many others to navigate these differences in a way that works for both parties…

 

So do you want to know more about how to deal with emotionally charged situations in your relationship?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership, you will also get access to all future weekly Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

The Feminine 1st Family launched fully on June 1st and therefore if you would like to continue to enjoy the new weekly videos (and request a video responding to your specific question) I am sharing a very special introductory offer until the end of June.

So click here to find out all about how to deal with emotionally charged situations in a way that works for both you and your relationship.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x