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A different way to review the year…

A Different Way To Review the Year  - Claire Brummell, Feminine 1st

At the end of one year and the beginning of the next we tend to look back and review the year that has passed.

The funny thing about doing this is that this can both work for us and against us.

Sometimes it can lift our spirits.

More often than not it can lead us to focus on what hasn’t happened, what hasn’t worked, and what we haven’t got.

So this year I would like to invite you to review the year gone passed in a new way…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So how can review the last year in a more feminine way?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out how to review the last year in a more feminine way!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

The Feminine Way to Enjoy Christmas…

The Feminine Way to Enjoy Christmas, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stChristmas is one of my favourite times of the year.

The lights are sparkling, the tree is up…it can be truly magical.

As feminine women it can be a great time of year…we can indulge the playful, childlike side of the feminine, we can connect with people who we maybe don’t see as often throughout the year and enjoy feeling inspired by the festive season.

I love to indulge my creative feminine side at this time of year…whether it’s being creative with Christmas gift ideas or having fun in the kitchen.

But the challenge these days is that Christmas isn’t all fun and games.

In fact, Christmas can often be very very stressful.

The Christmas stress-fest!

We’ve all seen it, we’ve all probably done it…

We’ve let the pressure of a ‘perfect’ Christmas take over our lives, and have gone spiralling down into stress-central in the run up to Christmas…so much so that by the time you get to the actual day you’re run down, exhausted and just want it to be over.

But it doesn’t have to be that way…

Is it possible to have a Feminine Christmas?

We often do Christmas in this stressed manner, because we don’t know another way of doing it…and because everyone around us is doing the same thing, we assume it’s ‘normal’.

But there is another way….we’re just not used to seeing it.

So today I want to share with you some ideas and suggestions for a more Feminine way to enjoy the Festive season, that could completely change your experience of Christmas, if you’re willing to have a play with it…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So how can you enjoy Christmas in a feminine way?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out what else do we need to know about how to enjoy Christmas in a feminine way!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

How to avoid the annual break-up season

Would you like to know how to avoid the annual break-up season?

How to avoid the annual break-up seasonThe festive season can be wonderful.

…it can also be a really challenging time of year.

Family commitments, present-buying, Christmas parties, money-worries, end of year deadlines…

It’s a recipe for a stress-cocktail.

It’s no surprise that according to Facebook, December is the month of the year with the highest number of breakups.

The problem with stress is that we have a tendency to take it out on the people who are closest to us. They are the people who see every side of us…the good, the bad and the very ugly.

We don’t put on pretenses for those who are closest to us…and we don’t tend to pull our punches.

You see, when we’re under stress our bodies jump into fight or flight mode.

Why is this the annual break-up season?

We learned our stress responses many years ago when ‘stress’ was caused by coming face-to-face with a saber-toothed tiger or a woolly mammoth. It was a matter of survival. Us or them.

Unfortunately our stress responses have not evolved with our lives…so we get the same rush of adrenaline and hormones when dealing with an urgent deadline as we did when being considered as a Paleolithic beast’s lunch.

So when we feel stress we see the world as a threat…including our partner.

When we see someone or something as a threat, all compassion and understanding tends to fly out of the nearest window. We have two go-to responses; protect & defend ourselves, and attack.

…and when one person gets defensive or confrontational, the other person often isn’t far behind.

So how can we avoid the stress-loop that often leads to a break-up?

Well the biggest problem when we enter this stress-pattern is that we forget that we are on the same side.

We’re on the same team.

They aren’t your adversary, they’re your team-mate.

Think about a football team. How successful do you think a team would be if they spent all their time tackling each other rather than focusing on the opposition, or the goal?

Not very.

You see, our response to stress often has us drawing battle lines against the person with whom you could instead be creating a battle strategy WITH.

So if you notice yourself dropping into ‘confrontation mode’ with your partner, here are a few simple steps to help you get back in each other’s corner again.

  1. Stop – So many of our troubles at this time of year start because rather than responding to what’s happening we react. We fire right back at the moment we feel upset or triggered without taking a moment to stop and consider how we want to respond, or the consequences of our reaction. Take a pause…it could make all the difference.
  2. Breathe – Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to let go of some of the tension in your body. When we go into fight of flight mode our muscles tense in order to be ready to swing a right-hook, or run for the hills. Taking a deep breath and shaking out your body can release some of this tension and help you to relax.
  3. Ask yourself a question – When we feel this way, it tends to be because we’ve attributed a meaning to our partner’s behavior (what they’ve said / not said / done / not done) that might not be in-line with the intention behind it. So ask yourself “What else could this mean?”, could there be another reason than the one you’ve got in your mind?
  4. Apologise – At this point you may be a little confused. Apologise? But they’re the one who’s upset me! While that may be true…step back a little bit. Is there something that you’ve said or done (or not said or done) that might have caused a reaction in them? Might they have misinterpreted your actions or words? If you can see how they might be upset, apologise for your part in what’s happened, without reservation, and without bringing how you’re feeling into it (for now).
  5. Ask for their help – It may be that they simply don’t know what you want or need, and how to give it to you…so the easiest way for them to be able to do this is for you to tell them. But barking instructions at them is probably not going to help them feel you’re on the same side. Instead ask for their help…ask for what you want and need, show them how to help and support you.
  6. Remind them that you’re on the same team – Remind them that you’re on their team…and that you know that they’re on your team too. Just verbalising this can make such a difference to how you both perceive what’s going on. It might be a misunderstanding, it might be a difference of opinion, but if you’re on the same side, you can figure it out together.

When you’re on the same side, dealing with the stress of the season seems so much more manageable…and you know you’re not dealing with it alone. Navigating your way through this can both pull you together, or tear you apart…choosing to be on the same team can make it more likely to be the former.

…and what if you do break-up?

…and if you do break up this time of year, there are a few things to bear in mind.

If the choice to separate wasn’t yours, then the other person has done you the favour of walking away from you. You want to be with someone who chooses you, who sees you, who values you…who wants to be with you. If this person has made another choice, you deserve more.

But knowing that doesn’t make the process of dealing with it any easier…so you might want to check out a couple of these articles to help you through the process:

…and the new year is a good time to move start afresh, to go through the process of letting go of the past and to begin to attract and create the relationship that you desire and deserve.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

It's not just about increasing your feminine, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1st

It’s not just about increasing our feminine…

It's not just about increasing your feminine, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stIf you’re someone like me who spent a lot of your life in a very masculine state (possibly without ever knowing it), when you first find out more about the masculine / feminine dynamic it is usual to focus on how you can increase your connection to your femininity.

Over the last few weeks we’ve been going through each of the different aspects of the feminine, looking at each of them individually and finding out more about how to find your unique expression of them.

As we know, your feminine is as unique as you are, so what flow, or inspiration, or intuition means, feels and looks like to you could be completely different to someone else’s.

 

It’s not all about the feminine

The thing is that it’s easy in this situation to make our masculine traits ‘wrong’ or to think that we shouldn’t be using them.

But we all have both masculine and feminine inside us for a reason.

Although we all have one of these towards which we ‘tend’…that doesn’t mean that the other one isn’t important.

It’s about finding the balance that is right for you.

…and when it is about the feminine, are you forgetting something?

But even when we are focusing our feminine we sometimes we forget one of the most important areas.

In fact, I don’t believe I’ve seen an article anywhere about what I’m sharing with you today, when it comes to looking at femininity and masculinity.

But without it, the other aspects will be less effective…or worse, won’t work at all…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So what else do we need to know about to connect with our feminine?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out what else do we need to know about to connect with our feminine!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

mens womens brains

It’s official – Men’s and women’s brains are physically different. So how does this affect our relationships?

mens womens brainsAt a gut level we’ve always known that men and women are fundamentally different.

We didn’t need a research paper to tell us that men and women have very different approaches, motivations, thought processes and emotional responses to life…just listen to any couple arguing and the differences are apparent.

But nevertheless the research released this week from Penn Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania that reveals striking differences in the brains of men and women is beneficial for everyone to pay attention to.

Why?

While most of us might ‘know’ we’re different, the trouble is that we have a tendency to forget. Often.

When we’re trying to communicate with our partner, or worse are involved in a ‘heated difference of opinion’, we have a bad habit of thinking that inside they think, feel and act the same as we do…it’s just the external packaging looks a little different.

So we’re surprised when they don’t seem to ‘get’ us…when they don’t agree with us or see our point of view.

Even more dangerous is the assumption we make in these situations that our way is the ‘right’ way…and all they need is to be convinced of this and everyone would be happy (when in reality all it does is frustrate and annoy them).

Understanding our brains…

So if we only understood a little more about HOW we’re different, life could be so much easier.

This is one of the reasons that I began doing the work I do now…helping people around the world to transform their relationships.  I find human beings fascinating…and when I began to look into and understand the differences between men and women so much became clear.

The reasons that so many people have trouble in their relationships and why I’d had so many difficulties with men in the past.

I was stunned to learn that it wasn’t all their fault!

It was that we simply didn’t understand each other…and had no idea how to communicate with someone so different to ourselves.

The more I understood, the more important it seemed to share this knowledge and information with others…because so many people’s lives could be made easier and far more enjoyable if we knew this stuff.

How are our brains different?

So what does the study tell us?

One of the things that the study explains is that in the largest part of the brain, men’s brains have a greater degree of connectivity within each individual hemisphere…whereas in women there is a greater degree of connectivity between the two hemispheres of the brain.

One of the implications of this is that men are naturally inclined to be better at focusing on one thing at a time, and women are naturally inclined to be able to move between not just different things, but also different TYPES of things.  Now, neither of these approaches is ‘better’ or ‘worse’…they’re just different, but understanding this could make a huge difference in your relationship.

For example if you’re a woman talking to your partner, the interconnections in your brain will mean that the conversation may jump about…one minute you can be talking about work, the next you’re onto what you’re doing at the weekend, the next you’re saying how you are feeling about something that’s happening with a friend of yours.  If you’re talking to another woman she’s likely to be able to follow your thought-train and stay with you as your thoughts and ideas jump around from subject to subject.

If you’re talking to a man though, he’s likely to get frustrated with a conversation that jumps around and doesn’t seem to achieve anything (by completing the individual topics as you go).  He would prefer to speak about one thing at a time so you can have his full and complete focus on one item before moving onto the next topic, and he may want a moment to mentally make the switch to a new conversation.

If you don’t allow him to deal with only one topic at a time, not only is he likely to get frustrated, but he’s also likely to miss aspects of what you’re saying because his brain isn’t designed to jump around from topic to topic.  When that starts to happen it’s possible that you could get frustrated because you might equate him not following your conversation thread as ‘not listening’…when in reality his brain just isn’t designed to process information that way.

Likewise if you have to slow down and deal with only one thing at a time, you may get frustrated as you may not remember (and therefore be able to come back to) all the other thoughts that came up when you were discussing point number one.

If you understand this, and see the big picture, you can see how difficulties and arguments can arise.

When you understand the brains, you understand the relationship better

…and this is just one of the ways in which men and women differ!  When you start to build up the full picture you can begin to spot the potential pitfalls before they even occur.

More importantly you can begin to work WITH your partner (sometimes with a little external advice or support) to figure out a way around these situations that takes into consideration both of your strengths and limitations…and that works for you both.

In a nutshell, this study tells us that men and women’s brains each do something really well that the other isn’t designed to be as good at.  In many ways, they are opposite.

In other words, they are complementary….so if we can understand how to get them to work together, they’d be unstoppable.

So rather than looking at where you’re right and your partner is wrong, or trying to get them to do things ‘your way’…take this opportunity to realise that you both have strengths, and you both have weaknesses…but together you can be the best of both worlds.

If you can begin to understand each other better, you can avoid the arguments and learn to communicate in a way they can really understand.

…and that makes everyone happier.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Aspects of the Feminine, E - Energy, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1st

Aspects of the feminine…it’s time to add some energy!

Aspects of the Feminine, E - Energy, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stToday marks the end of our deep dive into the different aspects of the feminine…we’ve covered Flow, Emotional Connection, Magic, Inspiration, Nurturing, Intuition and natural.

And not only do we get to complete our understanding on the elements of the feminine…

….but we also get to dispel one of the common myths about femininity.

Because there are a lot of misperceptions and misunderstanding about the feminine…things that people believe it is, things that people believe it isn’t…and they cause a lot of confusion when we start to focus on our femininity and how we can connect more to it.

 

What feminine is, and isn’t…

A lot of people when they think of the word feminine call some words and images to mind like weak, submissive, compliant, servitude, domesticity…the list goes on.

The trouble is that none of these words have anything to do with femininity, and don’t represent what the word feminine really means.

Femininity has nothing to do with being ‘less than’…it also doesn’t have anything to do with ‘more than’…we all have both masculine and feminine inside us, and neither is any better or worse, stronger or weaker, more or less powerful than the other.  They are equal, and opposite to each other.

The feminine is supercharged…

So when we talk about femininity, many people believe that we’re talking about passivity…when nothing could be further from the truth.

The final aspect of the feminine that we’re looking at a little deeper today is energy…and the feminine is all about energy.

The feminine has a lot of different types of energy in it…passion, calm, excitement, playfulness..and we experience the full spectrum of emotions and the energy that they bring too.

So today I want to share with you how you can connect in more with the different aspects of energy in your feminine…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So how connect more with the different types of feminine energy?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out how to connect with the different types of feminine energy!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

grateful

Are you grateful when things don’t work out the way you planned or expected?

gratefulSo it’s the time of year when our American friends take some time to sit back, reflect on their lives and notice what they’re grateful for (and consume copious amounts of turkey and indulgent food as well!)

As you may have seen from previous articles, I love the idea of thanksgiving…a day every year to just stop and focus on what you’re thankful for. For me, I try and keep an attitude of gratitude the whole year through, but I think it’s still nice to have a reminder from time to time.

Now the thing with gratitude is, it’s easy to do when everything’s fine and dandy…but what about when things don’t appear to be going so well?

When things haven’t turned out the way you expected, or planned for, how do you respond? Do you smile and find something to be grateful for, or do you have a little strop / sulk instead?

Am I saying you should always be grateful, no matter what?

Now, this has the potential to be one of those annoying articles that suggests that when everything appears to be crumbling around you all that is required is a deep breath and a Zen attitude and it will instantly make everything perfect.

…but it’s not.

Because in reality we all have moments where we want to stomp our feet and throw our toys out of the pram because everything seems to have ‘gone wrong’…and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Goodness knows I have my moments!

But the one thing that I have learned on my incredibly interesting journey, is that the times when things appeared to be going ‘wrong’…they were actually working out FOR me…I just couldn’t see it yet.

Just a few examples of the times when it appeared that things were on a downward spiral, but in fact were just a little loop-the-loop on this rollercoaster called life:

  • The numerous heartbreaks along the way – without them, I wouldn’t be where I am, doing what I now do, and I love my work more than anything I’ve ever done before.
  • The time I was hospitalised after being trampled at a big event in London…the compensation for my injuries were to go to an event that quite literally changed my life.
  • The time when my Mum appeared to have a very annoying medical condition…which actually led us to learn about a much more serious condition that was then caught and dealt with before it ever became a real problem.

If we stay so rigid to our perception of how we think life “should” turn out…we actually cut off a whole range of possibilities and opportunities that would make life so much easier, better and more enjoyable!

When we’re able to see the big picture, it can totally change our perspective on what’s happening,…and it sometimes takes some time for the big picture to become clear.

Can you be grateful in the face of major challenges?

A great example of this is earlier this year when my Mum faced some major medical challenges.

We were waiting for the results of some tests that she had been given and there were three possible outcomes. Option 1 was that she was going to need major surgery by one surgeon, option 2 was that she was going to require major surgery by a different surgeon and option 3 was that there was another outcome that we weren’t yet aware of.

The difference between options 1 and 2 were that surgery with surgeon 1 meant that her ‘risk factor’ of it being something much more serious was significantly lower than it would be if she needed to be seen by surgeon 2.

I remember sitting with her in the specialist’s office as he delivered the results.

She was going to need major surgery.

…with surgeon number 1.

I watched her breathe a sign of relief as a smile spread across her face, and we both broke into relieved laughter.

When she called my Dad to tell him the news, he was stunned. “I’ve never heard anyone sound so relieved that they’ve got to have major surgery!”, he said.

That’s what made me realise that it was our ability to see the big picture that enabled us to be grateful for something that for most people would have seemed like a big concern.

Having to have major surgery seems like a pretty big bump in the road…unless you know that the alternative route involves jumping your car across a ravine!

How can you be grateful when things are going ‘wrong’?

We were all so grateful for Mum’s surgery, as it almost certainly saved her life.

It was yet another example for me of how in life you get three things:

  • What you want
  • What you need
  • Or something better…

Did Mum want surgery? Not particularly…I don’t know many people who actively want to go under the knife.

Did she need surgery? Yes…and within a few weeks of us first becoming aware of the problem, she was on the road to recovery.

Did it stop us from being scared and worried while we were going through the process? Not at all…

But it did remind me yet again to trust that life is working out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Even if I can’t see it yet, I know that there will be something to be grateful for.

Now I’m not saying don’t be afraid, don’t be frustrated, don’t be angry, don’t be sad when these road bumps (both minor and major) come along. You’re entitled to feel that way.

What I’m encouraging you to do is to keep at the back of your mind that there will be something to be grateful for, even if you can’t yet see it.

…and the earlier you can move from feeling whatever comes up first, to feeling grateful for what you’re experiencing, the easier and more enjoyable life becomes for you.

So this week I encourage you to look for the gratitude in those situations you’ve experienced in the past that felt like ‘problems’ at the time….because when you can see them looking back, it makes you easier to trust in the fact that they will be there in the future too.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

P.S. As I’ve said several times in the past, vulnerability is one of the keys to opening up your femininity…so I’m now going to be really vulnerable. Not long after finishing this article, I had a little bump in the road come up. I was sat there in tears talking to my partner trying to figure out what to do when suddenly it hit me. This was exactly what I’d just finished writing about. “Oh s@&t!, this is exactly what I’ve just been writing about”, I said as I put my head in my hands. In that moment I got to feel really miffed that I was living what I’d literally just finished writing about…then I smiled…and then I got to realise that the gratitude is on it’s way. It doesn’t stop me being upset or frustrated with the situation…but it does allow me to breathe easy and let go of worrying about it knowing it’ll all come good in the end. It’s not always easy…but it is worth it, I promise x

Aspects of the Feminine, N - Natural, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1st

Aspects of the feminine…it’s all natural

Aspects of the Feminine, N - Natural, Claire Brummell, Feminine 1stWe’re now nearing the end of our deep dive into the different aspects of the feminine, as this week is our penultimate aspect.

We’ve already looked at Flow, Emotional Connection, Magic, Inspiration, Nurturing and Intuition…and today we focus on one of the most important aspects.

This is what I would describe as the foundational element of the feminine.

All of the other aspects and traits that we’ve talked about need to originate here otherwise they won’t have the desired effect.

 

To find your feminine you need to be real…

This week we’re looking at the second N in FEMININE, which is all about being natural.

What do we mean by being natural?

Being natural is all about being real, being authentic, being true to yourself.

…and as I said, this is the foundational element of the feminine…all of the other aspects need to come from an authentic, real and natural place otherwise they won’t be effective.

There’s nothing worse than fake feminine…

We’ve spoken about masculine masks in the past, and ‘fake feminine’ or putting a feminine mask on can be just as problematic.

When we take on the feminine aspects, without them being real, it just becomes more of a burden.

It becomes easy and enjoyable when it’s authentic, coming from the inside out…but when it just becomes masks on top of masks it can feel draining and cause us more harm than good.

So today I want to share with you not only how to be more natural with your femininity and tap into your intuition, but also an incredibly important learning that I had around intuition that could change how you view it completely…

If you are already a Feminine 1st Family Member of Bronze Level or above, click here to see the full video

So how can you be feminine in a more natural way?

I would love to share more with you about this and so many incredible topics, and so I’d like to invite you today to join the Feminine 1st Family as a Bronze Member or to become a Free Member to enjoy over 80 Free Videos.

What does Bronze Membership Give Me? Well in addition to all of the features of our Free Membership (including the “First Steps to Femininity” MP3 and over 80 free videos), you will also get access to all future premium Feminine 1st videos for the duration of your membership. You will also have the opportunity to submit requests for topics to be covered or questions to be answered in these weekly videos.

So click here to find out how to connect with your feminine in a more natural way!

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in them

What’s the difference between feeling your emotions and wallowing in them?

Difference between feeling emotions and wallowing in themWe all have times when we experience ‘negative’ emotions.

The thing with emotions is that they all serve a purpose…they are there for a reason. All emotions…the good, the bad and the sometimes very ugly.

That’s the reason I put the word ‘negative’ in inverted commas…because we only perceive them as negative…they actually serve a positive purpose when we allow them to.

In our culture these days, when we experience ‘negative’ emotions we have a tendency to want to distract ourselves from experiencing them. We want to avoid, ignore or bury them…or simply pretend that they don’t exist.

We’ve a plethora of ways to distract ourselves from our emotions…eating, shopping, drinking, drugs, losing ourselves in TV or movies, or burying ourselves in work.

But as I’ve talked about in several articles, these emotions exist for a reason…in order for them to serve their purpose we need to experience them.

They are there to help us to process our experiences, to move through them, learn from them, grow from them…and if we don’t acknowledge and experience these emotions they tend to hang around.

They bubble under the surface and when we least expect it (and often when it is least convenient) they pop up and bite us in the butt.

So in order to release these emotions, we need to first experience them, we need to feel the emotions fully in order to let them go.

But a question I’ve heard many times when this subject comes up is “How do I tell the difference between feeling the emotions to process them and let them go, and wallowing in them?”

This is such a fantastic question…and one that is so valuable to know the answer to that I wanted to write today’s article to share this vital insight with you.

We’ve all wallowed at times.

Those times when we’ve experienced something that has brought up a ‘negative’ emotion…it could be sadness, pain, hurt, anger, shame, grief, rejection – any ‘negative’ emotion.

BUT we don’t want to move through it, we don’t want to release it we WANT to be in it.

We want to just be in the negative emotion, we don’t want to move, we just want to sit there.

Doing nothing, changing nothing, just being in it.

But why?

Why would we want to voluntarily stay in an emotion that doesn’t feel good?

The reason is that in the short term, we can actually seem to gain a lot by being in it….though we may not be consciously aware of it.

When we’re in a ‘bad’ space, there can be ‘benefits’ to it.

In an increasingly numb culture, this is a moment where we’re really feeling something, we feel connected to ourselves and to our emotions in a way that most of us don’t in our day-to-day lives.

We get sympathy from and connection to other people…when we’re not feeling great we often get friends, family or colleagues reaching out to us to give us support. They want to be there for you, comfort you, help you to feel better – often in a way that we don’t experience when we’re not in this kind of space.

This kind of attention makes us feel important, makes us feel special, makes us feel significant…in a way that we might not be used to feeling the rest of the time.

We might use feeling this way as an excuse for not doing things that we’d prefer to avoid…for having some downtime, taking a break, and allowing yourself to breathe a bit and have some time for you. In our hamster-wheel-like lives, we don’t allow ourselves to do this often enough…and so having a reason to do it can feel quite good.

…or we can use it as an excuse for doing the things that we don’t believe we ‘should’ do, but a part of us would really like to. We use feeling bad as a reason for maxing out our credit cards, finishing off an entire chocolate cake, or downing a bottle of wine.

So while we might not be consciously aware of the benefits of being in our ‘negative’ emotions…subconsciously we can bet getting a lot out of it, so we can begin to indulge in it, to subconsciously choose to stay in it, to wallow.

So what’s the problem with wallowing in our ‘negative’ emotions?

If we’re getting so many benefits from being in our ‘negative’ emotions, then what’s the problem?

Well the simple answer is that it’s a short-term gain, which costs us in the long term.

You see processing the emotions, feeling them fully in order to release them gives a short term pain (of feeling fully the emotions that are there) …but which enables us to get a huge long-term benefit…i.e. that we get to completely release these emotions, learn from them, grow from them and move on without taking the baggage of the past with us.

On the other hand, wallowing gives us a short-term gain (the benefits of us being in our negative emotion), but because we’re not feeling the emotions to release them, we’re indulging in them to get these benefits, we never actually get the REAL benefit of being able to let them go and move on to create a life free of this baggage. Instead we end up carrying it all with us all the time, which in the long-term is draining and very unfulfilling.

So how can you tell the difference between processing emotions and wallowing? The point at which you feel that you’re getting more from being in your ‘negative’ emotion than from processing and releasing it is the point at which you’re wallowing. When being in pain is subconsciously ‘worth it’ because of the benefits we get from being there.

The danger with wallowing is that so often that we’re unaware of the fact that we’re doing it. The choice is happening at a subconscious level…not a conscious one.

So how can we avoid the pitfall of wallowing in emotions?

The only way to avoid the pitfall of wallowing is to use awareness and choice.

Becoming aware of whether you are processing or indulging in your ‘negative’ emotions is the first step towards shifting it.

So simply asking yourself the question “Am I feeling this emotion to process and release it, or to indulge in it?” and answering it honestly puts you in a position of choice.

When you’re aware of where you’re at, you can then choose whether or not to stay there…asking yourself “Do I want the short term benefit, or the long term gain?” can be an important question when you want to make a powerful choice of what you want for yourself.

And do you want to know what’s really great about choosing to process your emotions and release them rather than wallow in them?

You actually still get the short-term benefits when you’re in it, feeling the emotions in order to then release them…but they’re not enough to keep you there, you know you want more for yourself…

…SO you also get the long-term benefit of being able to put down the baggage you’ve been carrying with you and move on to create a lighter and more fulfilling life as well!

So it’s win-win!

So the next time you find yourself feeling something you’d rather not be feeling, ask yourself the question, “Am I processing this, or am I wallowing in it?” and see which choice you’d really like to make.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

A woman wants a man who will help her feel important even when she can't be the priority

This Week’s Thursday Thought: A woman wants a man who will help her feel important even when she can’t be the priority

This week’s Thursday Thought:

A woman wants a man who will help her feel important even when she can’t be the priority

A woman wants a man who will help her feel important even when she can't be the priority