A question that I get asked on a regular basis is “How do I deal with a broken heart and still stay in my feminine?”
As we know, being feminine is about being open and embracing the ability to be vulnerable. So I’m going to be completely open about my current personal situation…
As you may or may not know, unfortunately I have recently experienced heartbreak first-hand.
I won’t go into details, except to say that a few weeks ago my partner took the decision to leave. …leaving me to deal with a broken heart.
Luckily or unluckily, depending on which way you look at it, this is not my first trip around this merry-go-round. So as painful as it is, at least I know what to expect.
Every breakup is different, but the emotions are often the same or very similar.
You have either lost or had taken away from you something that you cherished…so there is a real feeling of grief and pain.
Most of us know that there are 5 theoretical stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (of which I’ve experienced at least 3 in the last few weeks…)
But knowing the stages that you’re going to experience doesn’t actually help you to deal with them.
So how do you deal with it and still stay in your feminine?
Being open, emotionally connected and vulnerable is painful when you are going through a breakup. But from my own personal experience, the alternative can come back to bite you …
I experienced my first real heartbreak at the age of 24. It was with the first man who I truly loved and who I had moved to a new area of the country to be with.
The split came totally out of the blue for me. I had no idea that it was coming and it was a complete shock.
It was like someone had just pulled the bottom out of my world.
As we lived together, and I had very few friends in the area where we lived, I had to leave in the middle of the night and went back home to my parents’ house.
For three days I completely fell apart.
…and I mean completely and totally fell apart.
I was inconsolable.
The worst part of it wasn’t actually the pain I was experiencing, although it was gut wrenching. As strange as this may sound, the worst part was watching my family watching me going through it.
We have always been a very close family and seeing the pain on their faces, watching me going through it while knowing there was nothing they could do to take it away, was unbearable.
After three days I’d had enough.
I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling so awful. I was determined to take control again. So given that I was going to be moving to be closer to my friends and family there were plenty of things for me to focus on.
I was focused on getting a new job, finding a flat, anything and everything to distract myself from feeling as bad as I did.
…and for a while it worked.
I moved, I started my new job and began my new life.
Until one day, about 6 months after the split, I was walking back to my car after a long day at the office when it hit me like a freight train.
All of a sudden, I was experiencing all the emotions and pain that I had felt immediately following the split.
I no longer had anything to distract me from it. I hadn’t dealt with it…I’d just buried it.
…and although I’d done a good job, it wasn’t going to stay buried forever.
I was a mess.
I asked all of my friends for help.
“What do I do?”
They all came back with the same reply.
“You just need to deal with it”.
Well, as helpful as that sounded, I was none the wiser. Because I was happy to deal with it, I WANTED to deal with it, I just didn’t know how.
When I asked them “OK, so how do I deal with it?” I got nothing but blank faces in response.
So I muddled my way through and after a rollercoaster couple of years, I eventually felt that I was over it.
Unfortunately this wasn’t my only experience of heartbreak.
A few years later I found myself in exactly the same situation. Another breakup from out of the blue…and another broken heart.
Again, for a few days I totally fell apart…but this time was different.
This time I had the wisdom of “Sex and the City” to guide me through.
You see one day, not long after this second breakup, I was watching an episode of “Sex and the City” which provided me with all the answers I was looking for.
The episode is in season 6 and is called “One”. Charlotte finds out that she is pregnant, but after a brief moment of joy she loses the baby.
She is plunged into a state of depression and Harry (her husband) tells Miranda (one of her best friends) how worried he is about her. He doesn’t know what to do.
Miranda’s response is simple.
“She’ll be ok, she just has to feel it”
Light bulb moment.
You have to feel it.
That’s how you deal with it. You feel it.
What I’ve since learned is that it’s only when you allow yourself to really feel and experience the emotions fully, that you can release them.
Anything else results in just burying the emotions, and no matter how deep you bury them, they will still be there, still hurting you.
What’s worse is at some point they will bubble up to the surface…often when you least expect them to, and usually at an even worse time.
So cry if you need to cry, shout if you need to shout, feel the fear, the pain, the hurt…all of it, as and when it comes up.
…and when you’ve felt it completely, you can then let it go.
Although it might be painful in the short-term…letting yourself feel these emotions means that you can release them and begin to heal.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does get you through it as quickly as possible.
So that’s exactly what I’m doing. Feeling what I need to feel, as and when the emotions come up. Acknowledging them, feeling them completely, moving through them and then finally, bit by bit, beginning to release them.
…and next week I will be sharing the 5 most important things to help you deal with a broken heart.