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Why is it so tough for single women?

It's tough for single womenValentine’s Day is nearly here, the holiday single women dread…

Why is it so tough for single women?

It’s that time of year again.

The shops are filled with cards, hearts, chocolates, flowers and cute little teddy bears.

Everywhere you go there seem to be nothing but happy couples in love.

Valentine’s day is great if you’re in a happy fulfilling relationship with the person of your dreams.

But if your relationship is having challenges or you’re a single woman it can be a bit of a nightmare.

Nothing can make you feel more single than being surrounded by reminders to ‘tell the one you love how you feel’.

If you’re a single woman, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.

There’s so much pressure, and as women we are genetically predisposed to be conscious of time passing by when it comes to love.

Most women have an internal voice that’s reminding us there is a clock ticking if we want to have children. For some women it’s a quiet whisper…for others it’s a roar. But whether we know for sure that we want children or not, the little voice remains because we biologically reach a point where it’s no longer going to be an option.

That point in our biology is one of the key distinctions between single women and single men….and the reason that the pressure to be in a relationship is subconsciously more intense for women than it is for men.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of men want to be in relationships too…but there isn’t a little voice in their ear reminding them that time is running out if they want a family of their own….because for them it isn’t.

And that’s not all. Singles have more heart attacks, a higher mortality rate and they decline in happiness more over time than their married counterparts.

But the most shocking thing about single women is that being single can actually end up costing them; not emotionally, not spiritually…but financially.

(Before you ask, no, this has nothing whatsoever to do with men picking up the tab more often when you’re in a relationship.)

Two journalists in the US crunched the numbers and worked out that not only does it cost single women more in taxes, housing and healthcare than their married counterparts…but they discovered that it could also cost a single woman over $1m more over her lifetime than it would an equivalent single man!

As if life wasn’t tough enough already for single women!

The sad thing about this is that most single women don’t actually want to be single.

It could be that they’re taking some time to get over a heartbreak or to reconnect with themselves after a previous relationship, or it could be that their life circumstances make it a little challenging with kids or a demanding career.

We’ve all used the phrases “I don’t have the time for a relationship”, or “It’s just not the right time for me”…but for the vast majority of single women it’s simply that they can’t find the relationship that they really want.

They don’t want to settle, but they don’t want to be alone either.

…and the questions! The never-ending string of questions swimming around the mind of a single woman…

  • How do I attract into my life a masculine man who has his sh*t together?
  • How can I get rid of my baggage from the past?
  • How do I allow myself to accept the love I deserve?
  • Where can I find the kind of men that I want to attract into my life?
  • How can I attract longevity?
  • How do you know if it’s worth saving a relationship, or letting go of it?
  • Should I go back to my ex? Will I find better?
  • Will I ever find love?

Add to that the plethora of challenges that their previous experiences, heartbreaks and personal beliefs add to the mix and it makes looking for love even more complicated for single women.

I know, I was one of them.

I also speak to them every single week.

…and the chances are that if you’re reading this now, you’re one of them too…or you know someone close to you who is.

I’m honoured enough to have both men and women from all over the world share with me their deepest and most intimate challenges, concerns and experiences…and a while ago I began to notice a pattern.

All of the woman who I knew who were facing challenges with love, myself included, were following some very similar behaviours.

Put simply, they were all making the same kinds of mistakes.

More importantly the women I knew who were having successful love lives, were doing things differently.

When I realised this, I decided to change my own approach to dating, and things changed rapidly.

Not long after the most amazing man entered my life. Being conscious of avoiding these mistakes totally changed our experience together. We felt more connected, more real, more intimate and more passionate.

We were both surprised at how simple it was…it took some effort, but we both really enjoyed it.

Because these mistakes aren’t complex to overcome, they’re actually very simple, it’s just we’ve got into a habit of dating a certain way (for a variety of reasons) that has made it very difficult for us to find love.

So I’m on a one-woman mission to help other women avoid the 7 mistakes single women make when they are looking for love!

As my Valentine’s gift to you, I’m sharing a free video series and webinar on the 7 mistakes that single women make when looking for love, and the 1 thing you need to know to attract the relationship you desire and deserve.

So if you would like to transform your dating life in the way that I’ve transformed mine (and I highly recommend it!) then pop on over here now to get the video series delivered directly to your inbox: http://feminine1st.com/free-webinar-7-mistakes-single-women/

…and if you know a single woman who is struggling while looking for love, please share this link with her too…the journey of dating is always a lot more fun when you get to share it with a friend.

So yes, it’s tough being a single woman…but I know I can make it that little bit easier for you, and the other single women you know.

I can’t wait to speak to you on the 14th, and in the meantime remember to stay fabulous!

Claire x

How to deal with Heartbreak…

A question that I get asked on a regular basis is “How do I deal with a broken heart and still stay in my feminine?”

As we know, being feminine is about being open and embracing the ability to be vulnerable. So I’m going to be completely open about my current personal situation…

As you may or may not know, unfortunately I have recently experienced heartbreak first-hand.

I won’t go into details, except to say that a few weeks ago my partner took the decision to leave. …leaving me to deal with a broken heart.

Broken heart

Luckily or unluckily, depending on which way you look at it, this is not my first trip around this merry-go-round. So as painful as it is, at least I know what to expect.

Every breakup is different, but the emotions are often the same or very similar.

You have either lost or had taken away from you something that you cherished…so there is a real feeling of grief and pain.

Most of us know that there are 5 theoretical stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (of which I’ve experienced at least 3 in the last few weeks…)

But knowing the stages that you’re going to experience doesn’t actually help you to deal with them.

So how do you deal with it and still stay in your feminine?

Being open, emotionally connected and vulnerable is painful when you are going through a breakup. But from my own personal experience, the alternative can come back to bite you …

I experienced my first real heartbreak at the age of 24. It was with the first man who I truly loved and who I had moved to a new area of the country to be with.

The split came totally out of the blue for me. I had no idea that it was coming and it was a complete shock.

It was like someone had just pulled the bottom out of my world.

As we lived together, and I had very few friends in the area where we lived, I had to leave in the middle of the night and went back home to my parents’ house.

For three days I completely fell apart.

…and I mean completely and totally fell apart.

I was inconsolable.

The worst part of it wasn’t actually the pain I was experiencing, although it was gut wrenching. As strange as this may sound, the worst part was watching my family watching me going through it.

We have always been a very close family and seeing the pain on their faces, watching me going through it while knowing there was nothing they could do to take it away, was unbearable.

After three days I’d had enough.

I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling so awful. I was determined to take control again. So given that I was going to be moving to be closer to my friends and family there were plenty of things for me to focus on.

I was focused on getting a new job, finding a flat, anything and everything to distract myself from feeling as bad as I did.

…and for a while it worked.

I moved, I started my new job and began my new life.

Until one day, about 6 months after the split, I was walking back to my car after a long day at the office when it hit me like a freight train.

All of a sudden, I was experiencing all the emotions and pain that I had felt immediately following the split.

I no longer had anything to distract me from it. I hadn’t dealt with it…I’d just buried it.

…and although I’d done a good job, it wasn’t going to stay buried forever.

I was a mess.

I asked all of my friends for help.

“What do I do?”

They all came back with the same reply.

“You just need to deal with it”.

Well, as helpful as that sounded, I was none the wiser. Because I was happy to deal with it, I WANTED to deal with it, I just didn’t know how.

When I asked them “OK, so how do I deal with it?” I got nothing but blank faces in response.

So I muddled my way through and after a rollercoaster couple of years, I eventually felt that I was over it.

Unfortunately this wasn’t my only experience of heartbreak.

A few years later I found myself in exactly the same situation. Another breakup from out of the blue…and another broken heart.

Again, for a few days I totally fell apart…but this time was different.

This time I had the wisdom of “Sex and the City” to guide me through.

You see one day, not long after this second breakup, I was watching an episode of “Sex and the City” which provided me with all the answers I was looking for.

The episode is in season 6 and is called “One”. Charlotte finds out that she is pregnant, but after a brief moment of joy she loses the baby.

She is plunged into a state of depression and Harry (her husband) tells Miranda (one of her best friends) how worried he is about her. He doesn’t know what to do.

Miranda’s response is simple.

“She’ll be ok, she just has to feel it”

Light bulb moment.

You have to feel it.

That’s how you deal with it. You feel it.

What I’ve since learned is that it’s only when you allow yourself to really feel and experience the emotions fully, that you can release them.

Anything else results in just burying the emotions, and no matter how deep you bury them, they will still be there, still hurting you.

What’s worse is at some point they will bubble up to the surface…often when you least expect them to, and usually at an even worse time.

So cry if you need to cry, shout if you need to shout, feel the fear, the pain, the hurt…all of it, as and when it comes up.

…and when you’ve felt it completely, you can then let it go.

Although it might be painful in the short-term…letting yourself feel these emotions means that you can release them and begin to heal.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does get you through it as quickly as possible.

So that’s exactly what I’m doing. Feeling what I need to feel, as and when the emotions come up. Acknowledging them, feeling them completely, moving through them and then finally, bit by bit, beginning to release them.

…and next week I will be sharing the 5 most important things to help you deal with a broken heart.

Stay Fabulous,

Claire x

femininity single woman

Femininity for the Single Woman…

femininity single womanWhen you start focusing on your femininity, it can be a bit of a challenge.

If you’re in a relationship it can be tough to step back and give the man in your life space to step into the masculine role.

If you’re not in a relationship it can be even harder, as there is no-one there to take on those masculine traits and step into the space that you’re creating.

You’re independent.

You’re strong.

You’re used to handling everything yourself.

So when a man does come along, it can be very hard to step back and relinquish some control when you’re so used to doing it all on your own.

How can you prepare yourself to become a partnership, when you’re used to running the show by yourself?

The first step is to stop doing it all yourself.

I know that you CAN do it all yourself…but does that mean that you WANT to?

Allow yourself to let others help you, more specifically the men in your life.

Male friends, male family members…if you could use a little help with things, then ask for it. If you make them feel needed the men in your life will be more than happy to help out.

The other thing is to get used to relinquishing control.

Take up a hobby where you have to step completely into your feminine…and simultaneously allow a man to take the lead.

A great example is dancing…such as salsa or ballroom.

As a salsa teacher myself, I know that if both the man and the woman are trying to lead, it doesn’t work.

In order for salsa to flow, one partner has to take the lead, the other has to follow.

When salsa is at it’s best, the man is leading, the woman is following.

The man is the frame, the woman is the picture.

The man provides the structure, the woman provides the beauty.

It requires trust.

For the woman it requires a belief that the man will step forward and take the lead.

For the man it requires a belief that the woman will step back and let him take the lead.

As a woman and a follower it requires letting go of the control we’ve been used to and going with the flow.

It’s important to remember that this doesn’t mean that the man is doing all the work.  Definitely not.  It’s a dance, a balance.   When dancing women need to provide some strength, resistance and assistance to the process, otherwise it doesn’t work.  Likewise she needs to be signalling that she’s ready for the move that’s coming (because trust me…a quadruple spin if you’re not ready or paying attention isn’t likely to work out too well!!)

Both in salsa and in life, learning to follow can be a challenge when you’re used to taking the lead all the time. But when you step back and let it happen, it can be fantastic.

Sometimes though, in order to move things along quickly, the ladies decide that they are going to ‘help’. Unfortunately they do this by taking over the lead and doing it all themselves…and the guys just have to watch, then try to catch up.

If this happens, the man never learns how to lead, and the woman never learns how to follow….they’re both just going through the motions.

Have you ever been in a relationship which has felt like this?

Neither get to really experience and enjoy the dance…it either becomes a battle (with both sides trying to lead) or the roles end up the wrong way around with the woman ‘back leading’ the dance and the man trying to keep up.

One question I get asked regularly, both from a femininity point of view and from teaching salsa is “What if he doesn’t take the lead?”

You will see it more obviously with salsa, but it’s true in both situations.

The simple answer is that if you show that you are ready and want him to make the move and then you don’t move, when he tries to lead…then he will know that he’s not being clear enough with his lead.

Firstly, you need to indicate that you are ready, in a way that is clear to him, in order for him to understand the move is his (there are a number of different ways of doing this, both in dancing and in life).

Once you’ve done this, if he’s trying to lead you to do something on the dancefloor, and it’s just not happening, he’ll understand that he’s not being clear enough with the lead he’s making.

If this happens a few times, he’ll soon work out that he needs to really step forward and take the lead in order to get the result he wants.

It might take a little time, but if you really step back and give him the space to lead (and let him know that it’s OK that it doesn’t work first time!  Have a laugh about it with him, smile!), he will soon step forward and learn how to do it so that you can both get the results that you want.

…and when he does, the best thing to do is to encourage and support him.

He might not get it right the first time, but with the space and support of a great partner, you’ll soon be dancing beautifully together.

The dance is all about balance…and the best way to find the balance?  Play with it! Have fun with it! Try different things, see what works and what doesn’t.

As a single girl, doing a hobby like this regularly will mean that you will get used to stepping back and handing the lead over to someone else (specifically a man). Which will make doing it in life so much easier…

Plus you can get fit and have fun in the process…it’s win-win!

Oh and remember that you only have 2 days left of the exclusive Feminine 1st subscriber offer! Be sure to get in before the offer ends on Sunday, as I wouldn’t want you to miss out! 🙂  If you don’t have any clue what I’m talking about, then put your name and email address into the pink box near the top of the page and I will send you all the details…!

Stay Fabulous!

Claire x