What does help and support look like to you?
It’s important to understand that we all have our own idea of what help and support look like.
There are some fundamental differences between the masculine and feminine in what constitutes ‘help’ or ‘support’, and there are also distinctions that are completely unique to us as individuals.
The masculine’s approach to support tends to be ‘fix it’. Find the problem, find a solution. Quick, efficient, effective. Bish bash bosh…job done.
The feminine’s approach to support tends to be ‘talk about it’. Connect with the person, share what’s going on, express how you’re feeling, see what else might be affecting the situation. The feminine takes as much time is needed to make sure a person feels heard, that they’ve got everything off their chest, that their emotions have been expressed and that they FEEL better. There might be a solution, there might not. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that they feel better about it.
The masculine can often want help in the form of space and distance, to be by themselves, to figure it out, whereas the feminine often wants to get closer to others, to feel connected and that they’re not alone.
Then there are our own individual ideas about what constitutes help and support. For some people asking questions is helpful, because it helps them to reach their own conclusions…for others they want advice, suggestions and ideas.
Does my man even WANT to help and support me?
The frustrating thing for so many masculine men is that they not only WANT to help, they LIVE to help. Nothing makes them happier than feeling like they are helping and supporting the women they care about….they just don’t necessarily know how.
So they help in the way that they think will help…and can often end up making things worse.
The more they try to help, the worse things get, and because they don’t want to make things worse they stop trying to help.
So if men want to help and support, and women want their help and support…surely there must be a way to make this work?
How can I get the help and support I want from the men in my life?
- Expecting them to read your mind – In an ideal world, where Manolo Blahniks were £10 a pair and the rivers were made of chocolate, men would automatically just ‘know’ what we want and what we need. But we’re not living in an ‘ideal world’…I know, I’ve been looking for a £10 pair of Manolos for years. Just because we want them to ‘know’ doesn’t mean they do. Unfortunately they’re not just women with a couple of external amendments. We think completely differently. We are completely different. If you want them to guess, the chances are that they’ll guess wrong….because they’ll guess according to the world as they see it…which is totally different to the world that you live in.
- Criticising them when they do it ‘wrong’ – Men don’t tend to respond well to criticism. Actually no-one really responds well to criticism, but when you criticise a man you cut straight to his core. Now most women think this is therefore the most effective way to communicate what they want…but in reality when you take this approach he’s likely feel attacked, to put up the defences, and keep his distance. When he’s in defence mode, he’s very unlikely to be taking note of your wants and desires…he’s more likely to feel like he’s been engaged in a battle, and all that matters to him in the moment is making sure he doesn’t lose.
Until then, stay fabulous!