As we’ve established recently, men and women are fundamentally different.
We have different ways of doing things, different languages, different needs.
A lot of the challenges that arise between men and women come from the simple mistake of expecting them to behave like we do…to want what we want, need what we need, understand what we understand.
So today I want to share with you about another fundamental difference between men and women, which is crucial for you to understand.
Getting the importance of ‘the cave’ could be the lifeline in your relationship.
As you probably know by now, my work is informed from a wide range of sources. I read a lot of books, go to a lot of seminars, listen to a lot of audio programs and create a huge amount myself.
I first heard about ‘the cave’ in John Gray’s ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I don’t necessarily subscribe to everything that John shares in this book, as is often the case I took from it the pieces that resonated with me, and evolved them – combining them with my own ideas and ones from other sources.
But the basic concept of the cave is so important that I wanted to share it with you, and I always like to give credit when something I share relates to someone else’s work.
As we know from the definition of masculinity, one of the key aspects of the masculine is independence.
Especially when it comes to times of stress or challenge the masculine will tend towards taking time and space by himself to work through or figure out the situation…whereas the feminine in the same situation tends to prefer to connect with others, share their problems and get support.
It’s at times like this that a man will often retreat into his ‘cave’.
So what is the cave?
The cave is simple time and space for him.
Time and space to be on his own.
Time and space for his thoughts.
Time and space where he doesn’t have to say anything, do anything or be anything.
Time and space where he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else.
Time and space for him to do what he wants and needs to do.
A lot of the time men feel a huge amount of pressure. They feel responsible, they feel that they need to provide, they feel that they need to protect, they feel they need to be everything that you need, regardless of what’s going on for them.
Imagine that this responsibility is like a Knight’s tools of the trade. It’s the armour to protect themselves and others, it’s the sword and shield to protect and provide…these things all carry a weight.
So time in their cave is time for them to put down the weight they’re carrying for a short time.
To feel free of responsibility, to feel free to be able to do whatever they need to without being afraid that it will affect you or anyone else in a negative way.
The cave can be a metaphorical space, or a literal one.
Some men have a physical space that is their ‘cave’. It could be a den, a study, an office, a shed, or even the toilet! A space in his life which is all his…he can have it exactly how he wants it and it’s a safe space where he can go anytime and not be disturbed.
What does he do in his cave?
So what is it that men do in their caves? Well the answer is simple…anything they want to.
It could be watching TV, taking time to unwind.
It could be doing a hobby that he really enjoys and that allows him to escape from life for a little bit.
It could be playing computer games, fishing, reading the paper, pottering about on the internet, exercising.
It could be nothing….literally nothing at all.
Cave time is mostly about unplugging and decompressing. Space if he needs it to work through his problems in his mind, or process anything that’s been happening in his life.
So how do I find out more about the cave?
Now that we understand what cave time is and what a man does in it…the next thing to understand is why is it so important…and how you can deal with it.
So next week I’ll be sharing with you why cave time is important and how to best deal with it…but most importantly I’ll be sharing with you how to make the cave time that he wants and needs work for YOU.
How you can take what at first seems like something that may be quite challenging, and instead make it something that you get as much out of as he does!
So watch out for next week’s article…and the answers that will make all the difference to your relationship…