The funny thing about femininity though is that the harder you try to ‘be feminine’ (and therefore less masculine) often the more elusive femininity is. Because in trying so hard to be feminine you can actually end up stepping more into your masculine.
A while ago I posted an article describing ‘what is masculinity’ which explained the nine aspects of the masculine, and I today I want to show you how ‘trying hard’ to be feminine can often have the opposite affect and can put you more into your masculine.
It’s not all about the feminine
But first I want to remind you that there is nothing wrong with your masculine traits, we all have them, we all use them and they can serve us and those around us incredibly well.
Sometimes when we learn about masculinity and femininity and we have been living in our masculine for so long we can want to get back to our natural feminine core so much that in the process of doing that we end up making our masculine elements ‘wrong’.
It’s important to remember that all our traits serve a purpose, and there are times when it will actually serve you and everyone around you best for you to be using your masculine traits more.
Just this weekend I had an experience at an event where I was leading a team and I was given approximately 3 minutes to complete a briefing that should have taken nearer 20 minutes. For that short period of time I had to get across a lot of information as quickly and efficiently as possible…so I stepped into my masculine in order to get it done.
Afterwards I apologised to the team for being so short and direct (as it’s not a style I like to use if there is another approach that can work just as well), stepping back into my feminine again to recreate the connection, and maintain the relationship with my team members. The team were grateful for my openness and for the apology, but they understood that it was necessary at the time and complimented me on doing a great job.
In the moment I had to get across everything quickly and efficiently it served me and the team best to be in my masculine. When it was no longer required I was able to go back to leading from the feminine as it was more natural for me.
As always, it’s a question of finding the balance that feels most natural and serves both you and those around you as best as possible.
So how can trying hard to be more feminine make you more masculine?
By it’s very definition ‘trying hard’ is hard work. It means that it’s taking a lot of effort, and that it’s not something that you find easy.
When something isn’t easy, and you have to try hard to make it happen, there’s an element of force involved. In order to apply force (whether physically, mentally or emotionally) it takes tension, and can cause your body to physically contract.
As I explained in this recent video, tension in the body comes from the masculine as our bodies tense in order to do something or to protect ourselves. Doing rather than being, and protecting through tension are both very masculine approaches.
So trying to force the feminine, can actually put us into our masculine.
Another reason that trying hard to be feminine can move women more into their masculine is when women are trying to prove that they are feminine. They’ve begun to learn about the masculine and feminine, and they realise that they are feminine at core, or that being very masculine might be hurting them (for example in the area of relationships). This realisation can lead to a desire to prove, to themselves and to other people, that they are or can be more feminine.
Unfortunately trying to prove comes from a more masculine place, as it relates to the masculine element of competition. If you are trying to prove something, it’s normally to show that you are ‘more than’ the current perception. If you’re trying to prove you’re more feminine, then it’s normally because you believe that you’re not feminine enough or you believe that someone close to you thinks that’s true.
By trying to ‘gain more’ femininity, women can find themselves dancing on the outskirts of the masculine element of competition, without even realising it.
…and sometimes the competitive element is even more prominent as women are trying to be more feminine to prove that they are more feminine than someone else. They want to be more feminine than ‘her’ because that will make them feel good.
If you are trying hard to be feminine, then you are likely to be very focused on it, and very driven towards achieving it, doing as much as you can to get the outcome you want. As I explained in my ‘what is masculinity?’ article, having unwavering focus and a strong drive are both very masculine qualities too.
Also, if you are focused on ‘trying hard’ to be feminine, then you are focusing on the end-result, the outcome you are looking to get to…in this case ‘more feminine’…and being end-results orientated, as we know, is a very masculine trait too.
In short, if you’re trying hard in the area of femininity, you’re probably ‘doing’ feminine rather than ‘being’ feminine…and as we’ve discussed recently, doing is more masculine, being is more feminine.
So what’s the more feminine alternative?
Well as usual, the answer is all in the approach.
You can take the exact same actions, for different reasons, with a different intention and it totally transforms the situation.
When it comes to femininity, rather than trying to be more feminine and less masculine, how about wanting to nurture your feminine instead?
When you do something out of a desire to nurture the aspect you would like more of, rather than trying to change something that you see as not being enough, you’ll be surprised at what happens.
For example, if you’re taking a dance class in order to be less masculine and more feminine, you’re ‘doing’ the dance class to get a result (i.e. you’re taking a masculine approach to it). If, however you’re going to a dance class in order to nurture your feminine, you change the energy around it, and in turn will change your experience of the dance class.
Rather than forcing yourself to be more feminine (which is quite masculine), instead look at allowing yourself to be more feminine, which is more in tune with the feminine and therefore likely to have a greater effect, but more importantly to be more enjoyable along the way!
Let go of the need to control and let your feminine flow.
So this week, rather than trying to be more feminine try allowing it to happen and see how different the experience is.