So what are the 7 mistakes women face when trying to get help and support?
- 3. Not communicating what you want at all – For a number of reasons women don’t tend to communicate what they want. It might be that they did it once and didn’t get the reaction they wanted so swore off doing it for the rest of their lives. It might be that they don’t actually know what they want…so they don’t know how to ask for it (but are still unhappy when they don’t get it). It might be that they’re afraid of communicating honestly what they want, in case they still don’t get it. Well I’m here to let you in on a secret. If you communicate really honestly what you want, there’s a possibility you’ll get it. If you don’t, you pretty much guarantee that it’ll never happen.
- 4. Communicating what you want indirectly – In a video recently I talked about ‘man language’ and ‘woman language’. I go into it in more depth in the video, but as a reminder ‘man language’ is often about communicating simply, directly and effectively. ‘Woman language’ often involves more indirect communication…such as trying to communicate what you want by saying what you don’t want, hinting or suggesting. Unless you are clear and direct with what you want and need, a man won’t necessarily even understand that you’re trying to communicate this to him, as that’s not the way they naturally communicate. If you say to a man ‘doesn’t this X look like a lovely place’, he’ll often take it at face value…rather than as a hint that maybe you’d like to go there!
- 5. Not being consistent – If you ask for something from someone once, the chances are they might remember. If you ask for something from someone a few times, the chances are higher that they’ll remember it. If you ask for something from someone every week, or month, or whenever a given situation comes up then they are far more likely to realise it’s important to you and make it a priority to remember. The more consistent you are, the easier you make it for him to meet your needs.
- 6. Not appreciating when they do it ‘right’ – Men love to be appreciated. In the same way as criticism cuts to the core of a man, appreciation speaks to their core in a positive way. Remember it doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’ for you to appreciate it, if you can see he’s making the effort to help and support you in the way you’ve requested, then show him that you appreciate that. Making a point of thanking him and showing your gratitude and appreciation when he helps and supports you in a way that you really feel helped and supported will give him the motivation and desire to it again next time!
- 7. Not setting the game up for them to win – Men like to win, they want to make you happy, they want to be able to help and support you and feel like your hero…so help them to help you. Set up the game so that it’s easy for them to ‘win’ at it…that they know the rules, they know how to win the points and that when they do they’ll get the ‘prize’ of your appreciation and gratitude. If you set the game up so that it’s easy to win, they’ll want to play again and again and again…even better when they win, you win, and when you win, they win. Who wouldn’t want to play a game when the outcome is always win-win?
So how do we get the help and support we want and need?
- Ask – For his help
- Be Honest & Consistent – With what you really want and need to feel his help and support
- Constant Appreciation – When he gives it to you
So how do I ask for the help and support I want and need?
One question that I sometimes get when I share this advice is “How do I ask him for the help and support I want and need?” When we’re not used to asking, sometimes we’re unsure how to go about it.
You can take the approach of just ‘trying it’ and seeing what happens, starting a conversation with “Honey, I’d really like your help with something” or “Could I ask you to help me with something?” and seeing what happens.
But the alternative approach is actually to ask him how to ask him! Simply saying to him “If I wanted your help and support with something, what would be the best way for me to ask you for it?” leaves the door wide open for him to tell you how to ask in a way that works for him.
…and you then know how to start the process the next time you want to practice your A, B, Cs…. 🙂