when the going gets tough the tough get feminine

When the going gets tough…the tough get feminine?

when the going gets tough the tough get feminineA point, which is often raised when I’m discussing femininity, is “what happens when the unpleasant stuff hits the fan?” When things seem stacked against you and you’re really up against it, we often feel that we need step into our masculine in order to cope.

For years this was my primary coping mechanism for tough times…I didn’t believe there was any other way that would work.

As a result, when I started really focusing on and embracing my femininity, I found that difficult situations were my nemesis…

It was habit for me to toughen up and take control during these situations and initially it felt counter-intuitive to take a softer approach.

At times you may have experienced this too.

So I thought that my experience this morning might be helpful for you to hear.

It’s not always easy writing about personal experiences…especially when those experiences are challenging and painful…but if it helps you, it’s worth it.

At the moment there are some significant challenges in my life. The biggest one being that my partner has a serious but as yet undiagnosed medical condition, a condition that is getting worse. Among other things it meant that he spent most of New Year’s Eve in bed in pain rather than celebrating with me 🙁

He has been experiencing symptoms for nearly 7 months, and things are becoming more acute on a weekly, if not daily, basis. This morning it was bad again…and I felt completely overwhelmed.

I needed to talk to my partner about the things that were on my mind.

In my former life this is the point at which I would have stepped, both feet first, into my masculine and tried to take control of everything. I would have been forceful about the way I thought things should be done and I’m sure I would have come across as being dominant or critical.

However since reconnecting with my feminine, I have discovered a different approach.

Today I didn’t hold back and I didn’t push either.

I just let myself explain the way I was feeling, why I was feeling it and what I needed.

I was completely vulnerable, and shed more than a few tears.

It was one of those moments where we could both see the massive difference that this new approach is having in our lives.

Where previously there would have been a battleground, the lines of communication were now open and free flowing.

Instead of feeling criticised, my partner was able to see me and understand how I was feeling.

We didn’t shout. We didn’t battle. We were able to talk about it openly.

We were on the same side.

I poured my heart out, and with a relatively quick, open conversation we were able to find a solution to the immediate problems.

More importantly I gave him the information he needed (and the space) to step forward and help me through a time where I was feeling overwhelmed.

A short while later I was back to work, with a smile on my face and a sense that everything was on track and manageable again.

Sometimes, even when you don’t think something will work, it’s worth giving it a go.

You’ve no idea the difference it could make…

Stay fabulous,

Claire x

16 replies
  1. Debra Quartermain
    Debra Quartermain says:

    When faced with challenges often are most immediate reaction and it is a reaction is to as you said take charge, take control, do it all. We ignore our true inner life and our feelings at times when we need to be the most ourselves.

    We are women, we are human, all that lies within will see us through those tough times when we just share ourselves, when we trust in ourselves and those around us to follow our intuitive guide.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Sending harmony from the heart for the journey you both are on.

    Warmest regards,

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      Thank you so much for your lovely words Debra. I love your comment about “all that lies within will see us through”…and I couldn’t agree more about trusting in ourselves and those around us. Sending harmony from the heart back to you.

      Warmest Regards,

      Claire x

  2. Cathie Heart
    Cathie Heart says:

    Wow .. I’m sorry there are tough times Claire, I do understand how awful that feeling of looming unsurity about everything is. I’m very glad you’ve changed and chosen a new way to pick battles and most importantly learned a new open communication. I’m proud of you hon and for you and your partner. It speaks of a greater solidarity in your future certainly needed in times of limbo and the unknown.

    Thank you for sharing.

  3. Heather Waring
    Heather Waring says:

    Thank you for sharing such a personal story which because of that is even more powerful. I could feel your pain, your distress, your hurt and your strong feelings for your partner. You were totally authentic here, speaking from your heart and when you do this I always feel that you cannot be wrong. As Babs said, I don’t think this is masculine or feminine, it was just being totally in the flow of you and so brave of you too. You deserved the result you got. I wish for a blessed outcome for both of you. x

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      Thank you Heather for your lovely words. Sharing something so personal is an extension of the vulnerability that I’m talking about in the blog post, which is serving me on a daily basis, I’m glad that it has resonated with so many people. I absolutely agree with what you say about being totally authentic and speaking from the heart…in my experience it is always the best approach. x

  4. Kristin
    Kristin says:

    Hi Claire: My understanding of the feminine aspect of power is that it is uncontrollable, chaotic, creative, unlimited potential. I understand the courage it takes to stand in the unknown and share feelings of fear and doubt with vulnerability and an open heart. Congratulations for finding that delicate balance and experiencing the reward of deepened intimacy, renewed strength in partnership with your beloved, and the willingness to share so that others may be inspired. Standing with you to face into uncertainty with trust and hope!

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      Kristin, thank you so much for your lovely comments. It does take courage to be open-hearted about feelings of fear and vulnerability… and my hope in sharing this post was for other women to see the power in doing it. The benefits of allowing yourself to be totally open and vulnerable in a time of difficulty really are beautiful…and help you to move through those difficulties with less pain and heartache.

      Thank you again for commenting, I look forward to hearing from you again in the future.


      Claire x

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      Thank you Barbie…and yes, it is tiring to stay tough…I’m hoping that other ladies will see the benefit in letting go from this experience, it makes such a difference!

      Best Wishes,


  5. Patrice Garrick
    Patrice Garrick says:

    Very insightful Claire! I was tough for 10 years through waiting for a diagnosis, through working full-time and being a single parent with systemic lupus, through everything else that came my way. It’s been maybe 3 months since I’ve just let myself be me and accept my changed limitations. And this works out so much better LOL. Thanks for sharing this.

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      You’re welcome Patrice – and you’re so right, it does work out so much better. I’m so pleased that other ladies are learning the benefit of letting go of the control and ‘toughness’ and allowing them to be themselves. I hope that all is on a healing path for you now x

  6. Darlene Newton
    Darlene Newton says:

    I feel powerless if I’m not in control. I’m always trying to make things perfect in my life. I’m battling hypertension, a confused teenager and seperation in my marriage. I’ve gotten a little better with trying to let the masculine guard down, but I don’t want to feel vulerable and weak. Deep down, I really don’t want to be in TOTAL control. I guess I am just a work in progress.

    • Claire
      Claire says:

      Hi Darlene,

      I know exactly how you feel – this was how I felt for many many years. I needed to control in order to protect myself from what I perceived to be weakness and most importantly from pain. It’s so liberating when you realise that vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s actually a strength, being strong enough to be able to show your innermost feelings takes courage. Have you listened to the free MP3 on the site? You might find it helpful especially in terms of the weakness concern that you have? You can download it here: http://www.feminine1st.com/free-gift .

      And you’re absolutely right about being a work in progress…we all are! 🙂 That’s what life’s about, living and learning as we go.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thought and for being so honest…I look forward to hearing from you again.

      Claire x


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